Where's the Resentment?

That was the question we were invited to ask ourselves in class this past Monday.  For, me, that is a deep question, for which there was no immediate clear answer.

It is now Friday and the answer is bubbling to the surface. Yesterday, I was watching a daytime talk show in which the new “Must Have” spring fashions were being paraded down a small runway.  I felt a stab of resentment at the term “MUST HAVE”.  “For YOU maybe,” I thought to myself.  Right now MY “Must Haves” include rent, car payment, insurance payment and enough left over to cover the overdraft on my checking account.  Oh, and maybe if I’m super lucky, some food for the coming week.

Ok.  I could start with this: Resentment for those who have disposable income.  (Disposable income that I used to have too!) I looked at each of the hosts and thought, “Yeah, you are guaranteed a paycheck this week, aren’t you? You can buy whatever you want whenever you want without so much as checking your bank account first.  I, on the other hand, used my laundry quarters to put $5.00 of gas in my car in order to get to the class referenced above, a class, which, by the way, was GIFTED to me, only to be asked this ridiculously annoying question which brings me back to you 4 women sitting there in your guaranteed paychecks telling me I “MUST HAVE” a $400.00 spring outfit!

Yeah, that is a good place to start!

Then, I was given an even BETTER show of my resentment: MFBP (My former business partner).  I have a feeling THIS is the real crux of my resentment matter.

In our business dealings together, in our new relationship as vendor and client, I became annoyed with his inflexibility with respect to a certain policy of his in the first month of this new relationship.  His explanation was that this was the policy for all of his wholesale clients and I was to be no exception.  Really?  How could he be so cold and unmoving in this little tiny, temporary request? After ALL I had done for him to even GET him to this place of success in his business!?!?  Remember, I helped BUILD this enterprise! (Boy! How easy is it to drop back into "victim" mode peppered with a large dose of indignation!!!)

To me, he has become tight-fisted and greedy.  To me, he is living his American Dream and has everything he ever set an intention to have or become.  WHY couldn’t he give a girl a break?!

Not sure how to resolve the predicament, I went to what has rapidly become my “go-to” problem-solving device: sleep.  The old adage, “Ask and it is given” has never been proven so right to me as it has in my dream state. 

I simply said silently, “I call forth Divine Intelligence and know that there is a clear answer within me coming forward.  Speak to me in a way that I can clearly understand and guide me to my divine resolution to this “seeming” conflict.  I give thanks for knowing the way has already been made, that Divine Right Action has already gone before me, making the way clear for me.  I let it be, and so it is.”

I went to sleep.

At 3am on the dot, I was awakened by the sounds of my laptop, which I had closed and placed under my bed after watching a program earlier, before falling asleep.  It was “playing” a clip from this show….WTH? I reached under the bed, flipped open the top and though the clip was playing, the display was asking for my user password – as if the computer was just turned on!  I struggled to find the keys to type in my password but in the dark, with no contacts or glasses on, this did not go so well.  After 2 failed attempts, the computer just went dark and the clip either ended or stopped playing.  I closed the lid, shoved it back under my bed, and snuggled back in next to my cat, which had slept through this whole event.

I lay there for a while trying to figure out what had just happened when I realized I hadn’t been “given” my dream yet.  So, I became a tad firmer in my request:

“I command the Universe to guide me in these last 2 hours of sleep I have remaining tonight.”

Somewhere between 3:30 and 5:30am I had the following dream:

MFBP’s installer went to remove some signs for one of my clients and to hold these signs for “parts” for future use.  I clearly saw 8 of the same part put into stock.  Somewhere down the line, my client had need for 6 of these parts.  Also down the line, it was forgotten that these parts existed.

At the same time, I owed MFBP a sum of $ 900.00 and change and I did not have it.  We spoke on the phone about this and I felt incredible stress because he was not willing to do the work for the client needing her 6 sign parts until I paid him in full for this outstanding debt. 

I was in a Catch 22.  I would HAVE the money once this work was done but I couldn’t GET the work done until I paid the MONEY.  Additionally, since the existence of these parts had been forgotten, I had to order NEW parts for my client’s needs.  I felt a tightening in my chest and a shortness of breath as I felt my back being shoved against the proverbial and financial wall.

The scene changed and he was standing at my desk, giving me the last of commissions owed me from our previous business arrangement.  The check total was $1068.00. At the same time, I was handing HIM a check for the balanced owed of $900. I was receiving more than I was giving!

Almost simultaneously his shop manager was on the phone with both of us saying there was no need to fabricate the 6 parts my client needed; he had the parts in stock. In fact, there were 8 parts - MORE THAN ENOUGH to fulfill the order!

I woke knowing that I am divinely supported and provided for at every turn, even when it looks quite the opposite.  Sometimes, no, MOST times, I am just looking in the wrong place for my answer; for my supply.

Sometimes dreams provide clear answers for me. Sometimes they replay events or are symbolic of real events and invite me to look at those events from a new perspective.

Perfectly timed, a post arrived on my Facebook wall yesterday, regarding just this subject.  Here is an excerpt:

To a psychologist, dreams are more than an electrochemical process. Each one is a precious seed that can be nurtured and fertilized so that it will sprout, grow, and bloom to give fullness and understanding to our waking hours.

Therapists feel that dreams are the secret portal through which the psyche pours vital information into consciousness as a way to keep emotional balance during waking life. Dreams are a way for us to work out the difficulties that are suppressed rather than experienced during the day.

In my private healing practice, I’ve discovered that it isn’t always the traumas that we have fully experienced that block us. It’s often the traumas or difficulties that we did not allow ourselves to experience fully, or that we have suppressed, that create barriers in our lives.

Dreams can be one way to release those repressed emotional barriers.

It is clear to me now, the work that I must do. I woke looking at MFBR differently.  He is no longer someone who “took” something from me.

He is a capable and honorable supplier of goods and services that benefit my clients and my relationships with them.  I respect and honor him as a “gifter” (a term I recently learned in class) in my business and my life.  I am grateful and thankful for his abilities to grow his business which in turns provides my business with its goods and services.  A divine circuit exists here and I honor it with timely payments.

Just in the writing of that paragraph I feel a shift in my emotions and feelings about and for him.  WOW!  It feels like I let go of some resentment toward him.  And in Reality, that resentment toward him is actually resentment toward ME and how I got here. It always is.  These events and experiences are all just mirrors back to us; invitations to love and forgive ourselves a little more.  I get it.  I am not completely there, but I get it.

All this self-discovery can be exhausting! Think I’ll go take a nap now!