Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Plan B

Well, as it turned out, Hormone Replacement Therapy will alleviate symptoms of menopause, but it will most definitely NOT alleviate symptoms of evolution and transformation of the Soul. 

Balancing my hormones was essential to finding a solid footing again in my everyday life but it was of no use in swaying the decision of my business partner to sever our relationship.   

I was caught in a space of, one on hand, feeling energized and vital again and, on the other, frozen in my tracks, unable to see where I was supposed to focus this new-found energy.  I was forced to deal with arriving at some agreement w/my partner on how to separate the business and yet every time I thought about it, all of that energy just turned into an anxiety attack!  Had I done myself more harm than good with HRT? Wouldn't just sleeping through this whole mess be a better idea? 

As I write this, those old feelings - of a tornado whirling inside my gut, short breaths - return and I start to question my sanity in reliving that time in my life. 

Slowly over the following weeks I began to take regularly-paced breaths again - occasionally.  I discovered meditation.  In language I had never used before, I told myself that if I could "be still enough to listen", the answers would come.  In those moments of peace I was able to start seeing my way through the current events of my life; to develop Plan B.  Simply stated, the plan was this: NEVER BE IN THIS POSITION AGAIN! (Which, loosely translated, REALLY means, NEVER DEPEND ON ANYONE ELSE AGAIN!) 

As I reflected on my life, I began to see a pattern.  While I had not yet married, there was always someone in my life on whom I depended to get me out of a jam or with whom I built something. In younger years it was my mom.  Later, it was boyfriends.  These past few years, it had been my business partner. It had never been "just me".  As a result, I tended to end up disappointed and disappointING. More importantly, I started to feel like I hadn't actually learned the lessons I was supposed to learn, and was repeating events in order to force the lessons. I was onto something here.  I could feel it!

 I could also feel pain developing in my right arm and shoulder.  Certain it was a pinched nerve, I initially TOTALLY missed the connection between carrying the "weight of the world" on my shoulders and what was happening in my little world. 

On February 15, 2009, on my way to my bedroom, I wrote this entry in my journal:
"8:45PM - Maybe all I want to do is work just enough to get by - not make some grand fortune - but have lots of spare time to do other things.  What other things? Volunteer - work at some non-profit? I don't know...It just kind of popped into my head as I was walking to bed."

While I wasn't completely aware of it, my old world was dissolving around me.  A great teacher has said "You have to have a breakDOWN to have a breakTHROUGH". I hadn't heard this teacher yet, but when I heard this statement for the first time, some months later, I REmembered it somehow.

Plan B was taking shape…


  1. LOVE IT! Love the transformation process... BO BETH!

  2. Aw, you did the best you could at the time. Now you're aware of the pattern you'll never go back to it :) I hope between breaths you find you can forgive yourself - AND - realize what a gorgeous, accomplished, insightful, amazing spirit you already are .. Sandy

  3. With all humility, I think that teacher was me. Read about my midlife crisis at 33.