The Beginning of the End of the Beginning

January, 2009.  Business was coming to a grinding halt in a depressed economy.  We had laid off my assistant, cut back hours for the shop guys, and I was preparing to move my office to my home, saving the rent on the space my assistant and I had shared.  It was not a good time for more bad news.

My business partner, called me into his office.  We were running out of money & our credit was maxed out so I figured it was a strategizing session of some sort.

“We need to talk.  It’s not good.” Well, DUH! I thought.  Turned out, it wasn’t about the financial situation at all.  It was about ME.  In a nutshell, he had decided he no longer wanted to be partners with me.

In an instant, my professional life-plan came crashing down around me and yet, I was protected from its impact in part by my utter lack of concern on a level I didn’t yet understand.

For the several months prior to this meeting, I had been becoming less and less interested in work; in going there, in staying there and in general, doing anything WHILE there.  As the sole sales force for our company, this was NOT a good thing!  Try as I might, I just couldn’t get enthused with any of it.  I was fully aware of the negative impact my attitude was having on things, yet I seemed helpless to do anything about it.  I would really rather just sleep.

Initially, I figured I was just depressed.  I was gaining weight while not eating much, sleeping longer every day, including a requisite nap from 3-5 pm every day.  My sleep at night was beginning to be interrupted by the kicking off of blankets somewhere around 3am every night; not really a hot “flash” (as I had witnessed in older friends) but more of a warm flush.  I didn’t have much of a social life, mostly because I wasn’t happy with the extra set of tires developing around my midsection.  My imaginary medical degree let me to believe this was just your garden variety depression. Now, I was forced to address the idea of “divorcing” my work husband.  I was just TOOOOOO exhausted to deal with this!

Working (this term being used VERY loosely here) from home one afternoon, still in jammies, I caught an episode of Oprah. The theme was menopause, peri-menopause, and all things-hormonal.  One of her guests, Christiane Northrup, explained the symptoms of depleted hormone levels in women of a certain age.  Oprah skyped with several “regular” women such as myself who described my life to a “T”.  One after the other told of low sex drives, energy levels, appetites, enthusiasm for ANYthing, while experiencing weight gain without an apparent reason.  As my eyes began to widen with the realization of what “this” might be, tears ran down my face, a release of emotions as I started to believe there was an EXPLANATION for all of this!

I immediately called my doctor who has known and treated me for 20+ years.  When I explained my symptoms, she ordered blood tests.  3 days later the answer came: My hormone levels were basically non-existent.  I was in perimenopause.  She prescribed bio-identical estrogen and prometrium, both in the lowest doses available.  I put the estradiol patch on that night and the next morning, I literally SPRUNG from bed, rested and refreshed, never to nap in the afternoon again, unless I WANTED to.  It seemed like a miracle!

With this new-found and immediate enthusiasm, I was SURE my business partner would change his mind about dissolving our partnership. After all, I had an EXCUSE for my behavior over the past months.

This was not to be.  Instead, it was the beginning of the end of this chapter of my life and the beginning of my spiritual awakening and my journey back to BE(th).

12:12

I got the best God Wink today! After much consideration, I decided to sell my old gold jewelry. I could seriously use the cash right now, and it's been stuffed in the back of a drawer for years. There were pieces from old relationships, added as those relationships ended, and there were some of my mom's jewelry too. The latter carried with it more of a struggle to release. After all, those were memories and mementos from my MOTHER. Weren't they?

 I've been thinking about doing this for some time now, but really didn't know where to go, or how much to expect from everything. The other day, I was driving home from Borders Books, having just purchased the book, "Soul Currency", required reading for a class I am taking on prosperity, of all things. As I sat at a stop light, I noticed there was a new shop on the corner – a pawn shop advertising in big bold letters, "WE BUY GOLD". I didn't realize it then, but this was a "wink" from God to me.

Today, in light of some extremely pressing financial issues, I decided to do it. Whatever I was given, it would be more than what I currently had in my bank account and it would certainly do more good toward easing my financial situation than jewelry that I never wear sitting in the back of a drawer.

As I took each piece out of the velvet pouch I thought back on the giver and the relationship. I stopped at the birthstone ring of my mom's. Because I was born on her birthday, it was also my birthstone; a tiny little blue stone on a thin gold band. Mom had tiny fingers and there's no way this ring would fit my fingers now. It still bears the crooked memory of the time I "borrowed" it without her knowing and wore it during a softball game. Of course, I immediately jammed my finger, ending my illustrious softball career. My dad hurried to cut the ring off my purple, swollen finger as I tried to figure out how to tell her what I'd done.

In the end, my mom was more worried about my finger than the ring. She simply took it to a jeweler and had it soldered back together. Not perfect, but perfectly wearable.

Then there was the "Mother's Ring", a popular gift for Mother's Day bearing the various birthstones of her children. Along with my dad and brother, I gave this ring to her when I was a teen and I never saw her without it on. I never particularly liked the setting, but mom sure seemed to love it.

Last, there was her wedding ring. A plain, gold band. How could I "cash in" on her WEDDING ring? Never mind that, should I ever marry, I would not use this ring. IT WAS MY MOTHER'S WEDDING RING!!

Anyone who ever knew my mom knows that she would give the shirt off her back to anyone, especially us kids. We didn't have a lot but she made darned well sure if we wanted something and it was within her means, we would get it. She would joke about the "sacrifice" she made for us. In hindsight, this jovial way of reminding us of all she'd given up so that we could have may have planted some false belief in my head that we are supposed to suffer in order to survive this life. But, that is a subject for another day!

I realize that my memories of my mom are not in "things". My memories are in my heart and my soul. They aren't for sale or barter. I decided to include her rings in the items I would take to the shop. I said a silent prayer, thanking each giver for each gift, blessing all the great memories had, and released them to become part of new stories and relationships.

The memory of my loving mother who was always there for me came back to the forefront of my mind. I'd like to think she would smile, knowing that in releasing these things, I am better able to support myself. I got in my car and headed to the shop. I looked down at the digital clock in my car and it read: "12:12" – our birthday. I knew she was here, telling me it was OK and that I was going to be OK.

Open “Thank You” Letter to the Bullies

THANK YOU to the 7 boys who tortured 13 year old Nadin Khoury. Because of YOU and your cellphone recording and posting of this horrendous act, YOU are being prosecuted.

Because of YOU I got to "meet" this amazing, well-spoken, courageous young man and his family today on The View. Because of YOU he got to meet his favorite NFL player and fellow teammates, who have made arrangements for his family to attend games in the coming season. Because of YOU he has a couple of new linebacker big brothers! Because of YOU, I got to see NFL players using their fame for something good, for a refreshing change. Because of YOU the world is one step closer to ending bullying.

This young man is going to be OK! He is already a winner. He is surrounded by love. I pray the same is true for all of you.

THANK YOU and God Bless!