Thursday, April 14, 2011

The Gall of it All ~or~ Where’s the Resentment? – The Final Exam

Well! My original attempt to keep this blog chronological seems to be retooling itself due to life’s wonderful discoveries that come faster and faster lately.
I will go with the flow…
Upon finishing my last post I immediately came down with the appearance of a cold: congestion, runny nose, the works. I figured this was my body’s way of confirming the work I’d done and was doing.  I blessed it, never so happy to have a cold in my life! I finished class growth work in the area of finances, really seeing the supportive Universe that supports all of us all of the time.  We worry not that, in taking a deep breath, we limit another’s ability to breathe.  We don’t even THINK about the fact that, while we sleep, as well as all day long, our hearts keep pumping blood without needing reminding.  We turn the water on in the bathroom and there it is.  It’s clean and free-flowing.  We flip a switch and the electricity is there.  Yes, supported without our input.  These are all examples of our supportive Universe.
I was also “invited” to experience the tangible supportiveness of the Universe on many occasions prior to the end of class, but especially on the last night of class. Coming out to find a flat tire in the darkness, with a throng of classmates and practitioners willing to help, really wrapped up the class with a greasy ribbon for me!  As I watched someone I didn’t even know, huddle next to my car by the light of a friend’s headlights at 11PM at night, I heard a voice say to me, “THIS is Agape. THIS is your community.” 
Upon completing the class work, I also recognized how tied together we all are.  I post something and it touches someone hundreds or even thousands of miles away.  One bright comment or smiley face has that power! It’s true!  I, too, have been moved to tears by a note or comment written to me from across the virtual plane and something shifts, something I thought before changes. Instantly.  We affect each other, support each other with encouraging words, and we help each other through some trying stuff.  I really thought I had gotten the lesson of the Supportive Universe but my big Final was still ahead….
2AM Sunday Morning I awoke to intense stomach and chest pains.  Initially I thought it was the ice cream that I had the night before, that I rarely treat myself to anymore, then later, a heart attack.  After a couple of hours of vomiting and curling in the fetal position, I found my friend and Reiki healer, Jacqui, online in South Dakota.  I emailed her asking for some relief.  By the time she followed up after sending energy, to tell me she had a stabbing pain in her gall bladder area and thought that might be my problem, I was checking myself into the local ER.  8 hours later I was released w/a diagnosis of gall stones and given prescriptions for pain and nausea. 
If you follow the teachings of Louise Hay, which I do, she has this to say about the mind-body connection and gallstones and what they represent: Bitterness, Hard thoughts, condemnation, pride.
Sounds about right, considering the inner work I’ve been doing. Again, I blessed the idea that my body was “confirming” the work I was doing and quickly decided I could holistically eliminate these little buggers once the pain passed. Easy-peasy!
After 3 days of continuous pain, difficulty breathing and high fever, I was convinced by several veterans of gall stones to return to the hospital.  None of their “stories” sounded like this.  After additional testing I was told surgery needed to be done right away.  With my sweet friend and classmate, Mary, by my side, we came up w/the list of questions to ask the surgeon - something I was too doped up on pain meds to really consider on my own.  She handled everything with the doctor with ease and grace, prayed with me and even pulled out Agape’s Inner Visions daily devotional to read to me which, no surprise was PERFECT for the occasion! All about releasing – even if it’s not in the way we’d prefer, in order to be open to something greater.
I have to say that, during the entire time I was going through this “adventure”, I was never afraid. Concerned once or twice, but never afraid.  Now, I live alone and I have had some health scares before when I’ve been in a relationship, or knew I could call a neighbor.  Still, during those past times, I was afraid: What if no one missed me? What If I pass out and can’t contact anyone and I’m found lying on the floor with my cats by my side? – You know the story.
Well, this time, I can honestly say, there was a palpable feeling of safety and love all around me like a warm blanket constantly.  My spiritual community was praying for me as soon as word got out Sunday morning and believe me – I could feel it! Not once did I think I would be left to fend for myself. 
I drifted off under anesthesia repeating “I am/God is” and woke on the other side to discover I was now a milestone in my surgeon’s career: Largest, most infected gallbladder he’s seen in 40 years!  The next day I quoted Rev. Michael Beckwith to my surgeon, “Don’t let your floor be your ceiling.”  I figured I had given him the opportunity after so many “routine” surgeries, to expand his gift to humanity by stretching the limits of laparoscopic surgery, which he had done beautifully!  I don’t think he fully understood the quote but it was just one way I could honor the God I saw in him.
As I began my journey back, I had a strange sense of accomplishment.  That I had, in one fell swoop, rid myself of all the bitterness and resentment that was still lingering from a lifetime of self-judgment, of seeming failure, and of the pride I held, believing I could make everything better without anyone’s help.
I really thought I had got the message that “I live in a friendly & supportive Universe”.  Guess the Universe REALLY wanted to make sure I was clear on this! It did, but there was one last little bit of work to be done….

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