The Tale of Two Brothers, Part 2

It was two days before Thanksgiving. The months in between the premier of “Discover the Gift” and this present moment seemed to flash by at the speed of light; the thought of repairing a brother-sister relationship now in the distant recesses of my mind, deep in the dark soil of my consciousness. 

I was gifted a session with Spiritual Intuitive Bonnie Silver. At the beginning of the call she asked me what my intentions were for the call. Since I really didn’t know what “spiritual intuitive” meant, or what service she provided in that area of expertise, I went to my “go to” goals: balance and clarity. I am always looking for clarity of purpose and balance in all areas of my life.

She also asked me to describe myself. In my best, spiritually-awakened manner I proudly said, “I am a divine emanation of pure Source energy love, the place of love.”

She began to talk, connecting with my thoughts intuitively, and asking questions. At first the questions and comments were sweeping and broad. In my mind she was on one end of a football field; I on the other. The more we spoke, the closer infield we both moved until finally, we were on the 50 yard line standing as one. (Weird, I know, but that’s what I saw!)

She said it felt like I needed to release something/someone from my life. Bonnie felt strongly that once this release took place, there would be greater clarity of purpose in my life.

There were several examples demonstrating her connection to me which I will forego sharing here due to time. Suffice to say that she is the “Real Deal”!

She continued...

She sensed that I was not sure who or what it was that I needed to release but that when I was sure, it would be without a doubt. Perhaps it was someone at my spiritual community, or a family member?

I mentioned that I was indeed considering backing off of a friendship with someone in my community. No, that wasn’t it. It was bigger.

She also sensed that I needed to do some forgiveness work; had I done any in the past? I assured her I have crossed everyone possible of that list! Still, she felt very strongly that there was something more here to do.

I could sense that there was something she was grappling with, trying to “read” or “see” as she spoke. She asked me to talk about my family. That was easy – and short! My parents were both long gone from this dimension and I quickly rolled out my “story” about my brother.

“He and I don’t speak. He lives a somewhat reclusive, paranoid life. He never was the big brother to me that I had dreamt of having so it’s no big loss for me.” End of story.

In an “AHA” the size of and Oprah AHA, Bonnie blurted out, “That’s it! It’s your brother you need to forgive! It’s your judgment of him that you need to release!”

In an instant it was if someone had cracked open my chest cavity and a thousand white doves flew out of it! A summer breeze blew through my body on a chilly November morning! This WAS it! I was surer than I had ever been in my life! Out of all the possible suspects I could think of to forgive, never in my wildest dreams did I consider my brother in that group-mostly, because of my "story" about him.

I had been judging my brother all my life for what he “wasn’t” to me while all the while he was living a life of which I had no knowledge. Bonnie also felt a very strong female presence which she was sure was my mom, guiding her now in this conversation.

Through Bonnie, my mom was very clear: “At the beginning of this call you claimed to be a place of love. Prove it by forgiving your brother.” WOW! I don’t know how much clearer a message I could need!

I instantly knew this was true; this was what I needed to do.

Bonnie went on, guided by my mom. “Your brother needs to know you love him right now; he always felt you had the easy ride and that he had it a lot harder. He has resented you for this.” She also got a very strong hit in the form of one word: Abuse. To Bonnie, it was so strong, it felt like sexual abuse.

Now I KNOW nothing like that ever happened in my family but because of the intenseness of it for Bonnie, it did cause me to flash back to a repairman who did work in our home when we were young.  He was later convicted of molesting boys.  That is not a road I am prepared to walk down just yet, if ever.

Bonnie was also was clear that I must SPEAK with him. Already in my mind I knew there must be a conversation, but I had planned a lovely letter version. Then, realizing that was not appropriate, I decided to write a “script” for my planned phone call so I wouldn’t leave anything out. In the next instant Bonnie says to me, “And it shouldn’t be SCRIPTED.” Was she in my head or WHAT?

I chose Thanksgiving Day for my phone call, to take place during my drive from volunteering in downtown to the family meal at my spiritual community. A call with a time limit, in case it should go awry.

With no script, no plan, no attachment to anything, I dialed the number. I simply breathed a tiny prayer, “Speak through me.”

When my brother got on the line, and after the shock of hearing my voice after so many years, I began to tell him that I loved him. I told him that I had been doing a lot of meditation and soul-searching and had come to realize how much I needed to tell him that, and that I was sorry for the way I have judged him and our relationship all these many years. I took responsibility for my actions, wondering if they had been instrumental in keeping us from having any type of relationship as adults. I also acknowledged that he had been perfect just as the big brother he was – it was my interpretation and judgment that was flawed.

He asked me if I was going to church. I asked if that was a prerequisite for having this type of conversation. “No, but I am a preacher. I like to ask a lot of questions so I know where the person is coming from.” (It is worth noting here, for those who may not know, we were raised Southern Baptist; my brother remains a fundamentalist Christian minister. While I still believe in Biblical teachings, I now embrace the New Thought/Ageless Wisdom teachings of Ernest Holmes, Michael Beckwith and more.)

I explained that I was (literally) on my way to church and described Agape to him as a place where all faiths are welcomed, all people are welcome, a place that is about love and celebrating this life we are here to live. He said he had never heard of a place like this before. ("Get used to it!" I wanted to say!)

What occurred next was nothing short of an amazing miracle. I met my REAL brother for the first time. In the process, I returned to my true self; the loving compassionate real me.

My brother told me how he has never trusted anyone in his life; how he began using drugs at a much earlier age that I was aware, causing him to close himself off from everyone; how he has been abused all of his life; how he would prefer to live off by himself somewhere in the mountains, how “narrow-minded” (his words, not mine) he has always been and how, as he gets older, the more narrow minded he becomes. This was more of a conversation than we had EVER had in our lives! I could not believe – but at the same time was so grateful to hear – how open he was with me.

When he used the word “abused” a chill ran through my body. He immediately followed it with “not physically but everything short of”. Again I felt my heart space crack wide open, seeing my brother for the first time through the eyes of love and compassion. I don’t know what happened early in his life that would keep him feeling like such a victim all these years later, and maybe someday we will have that conversation. More likely, a seed has once again been planted in the darkness, waiting for the right conditions for it to spring into the light; a seed of freedom from the past; a seed of release.

At the same time this flood of emotions was rushing through me, I could feel the undeniable presence of our mom, sitting in the passenger seat of my car, now parked in the lot at Agape. Her energy was so dense, I could almost see her. I felt compelled to tell my brother about her showing up during the call with Bonnie, as if mom was elbowing me to do so, but stopped short of letting him know she was eavesdropping on our call!

He listened without laughing – something I thought he’d surely do (another judgment on my part) and then we continued to talk - about the possibility of trying to build a relationship now. I assured him that I was not expecting anything beyond this call but was certainly open to one. We agreed that the slate was now wiped clean of any old emotions and that we would indeed attempt to rebuild from this moment forward.

With an “I love you” from each end the call was over. In an instant I was free in a way I had never known before. I really DID – and DO – love my brother. In an instant I had the clarity of purpose I had said I wanted on the call with Bonnie. In being the place of love as I described myself, I am living my purpose. In releasing the dead weight of an old story, I achieve more balance. What I asked for I already had! What I seek is already within me.  This is a fundamental principle of my spiritual belief system yet somehow I had not connected it to my personal relationship with my brother. It truly was a return to love.

It is fitting for me to write this today, as I reflect on the past year and wipe the slate clean for a fresh start tomorrow and release the old stories in favor of new truths. Everything is new again!

Happy, Blessed & Loved New Year! Tell somebody you love them!

Return to love, return to love,

With every breath, return,

End and begin with love,

With every breath, return.

Byars Beckwith lyric

A Locked Heart is a Useless Heart

Last week I spoke of various types of “muscle memory” however I left one out.  I feel it has earned a blog unto itself.  It is the muscle memory of the heart; the feeling & loving heart, not the physical heart that pumps life through the body.

Like other “muscles” of mine, this heart muscle took an extended holiday from all things strenuous in order to enable me to focus on other areas of my life that required my immediate attention. Over the past 2-3 years I have found it beneficial to NOT multi-task where the heart was concerned.  So, I purposely took myself off the market, making sure that my heart was locked safely away until the time I felt it was safe, that I was “ready” to let it come out and play in the sunshine.

By September of this year I was finally ready. I was given an exercise by one of my spiritual mentors to write out the “best case scenario” for an area of my life where I sought improvement.  I chose romantic partnership.

With explicit detail I wrote of the feeling tones I would experience with this person, the deep, long conversations we would have about everything, the wonderful qualities this person would possess, how he would be on a similar path, though a bit farther along so as to provide guided insight along my way, the Sacred Energy Xchange we would revel in with fire-y passion and desire.  Oh yeah! It was ALL in there!

Then I sat out under the moonlight and expressed my desire to the Universe, letting it know that I was now open and available to this relationship.

That night I had a dream- a magnificent dream of being introduced to an attractive man with distinctive features to which I was not typically attracted, being told that “you two would be great together.” The dream played out, and it was true: we were great together as the movie-dream played past 5 years of bliss together and the end credits rolled.  As this happened I wondered: What happened to the story arc? Shouldn’t there have been a crisis and resolution of some sort?

As I wrote this dream in my journal and came to that end, I realized, there should NOT have been drama, for you see, I had also included on that “Best Case Scenario” list two little words: ease and grace. This dream played out exactly as I intend it to in the world of my awareness.  I was completely in alignment and on board for this divine right partner to show up in my life: NOW!

Fast forward several weeks. I was invited to an event where the only person I would know was the hostess.  Feeling an indescribable pull to attend, I decided to completely step out of my comfort zone and go at the last minute.

Things fell into place easily and I started to go on my “treasure hunt” to see what the “pull” to this event might be.  I met a couple of dear souls immediately and ended my search, convinced they were the reasons I needed to be there.

Then I met a man.  I was drawn to him in a powerful way, even though he appeared to be with someone.  I didn’t pursue anything, I simply noticed for the first time in several years I found myself thinking , “WOW! THAT is an attractive man!!!”

As the event progressed he came to me and we had a short conversation, ending with the promise of continuing it at a later date. 

Returning home to my journal, I re-read the entry containing the dream from a few weeks prior. To my amazement the man I met had the SAME distinctive features as the man in my dream! He even lived in the same area as the man in my dream! Did I REALLY call this guy forth into manifestation in my life?!

The conversation did continue and it seemed we both might be open to the possibility of more. We arranged to meet later that week.  The days in between glowed with the newness of a teenager’s crush; full of anticipation of meeting him again under more appropriate circumstances and getting to know him.  I was remembering what it felt like to be interested in someone- and it felt great!  The difference between now and when I was 16 however, was that I was feeling these feelings for ME, not for the guy.  He wasn't the source of my happiness, though the prospect DID indeed make me happy. No, he was the catalyst. A part of me that had been locked up was suddenly breaking free! 

Over the course of several weeks it became clear that “we” would not be.  I had many opportunities to have that “old” conversation with myself (He doesn’t like me because X-Y-Z  / Why didn’t he call?) – but I didn’t!  For the first time in my life I recognized the Truth about myself in romantic partnership;  That I am perfect, whole & complete just as I am and there is a romantic vibrational match of a man out there, working his way into my life.  What I am seeking is seeking me.

The muscle memory of my heart has been a great gift through this experience.  I really AM ready now!  I loved the feelings that moved through me and those are sweet memories my heart can tap into from time to time. My heart broke open wide to be fully available to this kind of love in my life; knowing that I AM that love already and in expressing it out into the world I attract more of it into my life.  This is a sweet gift, but it’s not the only one.

The muscle memory of my spiritual practice kicked in too!  You see all of the practice and work I’ve done in other areas of my life, realizing my completeness as I am right now, supported me through this experience.  I moved past the old person that used to talk endlessly to myself, saying I wasn’t good enough for someone, or, when “this” happens I will be ready.  I didn’t make excuses for his behavior, or lack of it. Yes, there were moments of disappointment and feeling less-than but I was able to move through those moments faster than ever before.  I was able to release attachment to the outcome of the experience – and the guy himself - and instead be fully present with each and every emotion I had along the way, reveling in the excitement and being gentle with the disappointment.  

I recognize that indescribable “pull” to be at THAT event, to meet THAT man, was my heart wanting to express itself as more love; to unlock itself once and for all, completely.  He helped me do just that and I am very grateful for the role he played.

As for the “distinctive” physical features, locale and items on my list that matched up so perfectly? Well, God DOES have one DIVINE sense of humor!  This was a Godwink of Universal proportion!! 

"Be love now" - Ram Dass

Muscle Memory

My body is an amazing thing! This incredible vessel that I have been blessed through this incarnation with has Muscle Memory!

My physical body’s muscle memory remembered how to hit a golf ball off the tee, consistently, straight as an arrow and out 250 yards after nursing double rotator cuff injuries over the course of 2 years.  250 yards was about as far as I’d ever gone prior to the injuries: Muscle Memory.

My body also remembered how to endure a long bike ride yesterday, after being “out of the saddle” for almost a year.  17 miles – EASY!  I could have gone the whole marathon distance of 26.2 miles, something I’ve done 3 times in the past with no formal training: Muscle Memory.

My mental body also has this fantastic ability to remember.

Several weeks ago I was invited to attend a meditation/spiritual gathering at a friend’s.  Within the group was an ex; one that left my life on very ugly terms who has now begun to have a spiritual awakening.

With 3 weeks to kill before the appointed evening, my mental body’s muscle memory had more than enough time to conjure up all the old memories of inadequacy, inferiority and “not-good-enough-ness” to sink the Titanic 10 times over!  It also had the added bonus of my current physical state: heavier than I ever was when with him.  Oh! This would just be GREAT!  He’ll have SO much material to talk about after the evening!

Thank GOD!  ALL of our bodies - physical, mental and spiritual -have Muscle Memory!

I’ve learned not to ignore pain, suffering and sadness.  However, I’ve also learned that when I read the 23^rd Psalm, it says, “walk THROUGH the Valley of the Shadow of Death” – don’t build a condo there!

So, I let myself feel all those old feelings, those old memories…for about 4 hours.  I wallowed in my bubble bath and looked at all the reasons he’d have to laugh at me.  Not for the full 4 hours, but you get the point!

Next morning I went to the Gym of my Higher Consciousness and remembered who I am NOW.  I pumped the spiritual iron and wrote myself the most beautiful “love letter” I could, reminding myself of my beauty and elegance as a divine emanation of the One Beauty that is everywhere present, always.  It knows nothing of body type, hair color, or wrinkles.  It sees beyond the physical and into the light and lightness of our being.  My muscle memory of spiritual practice took over and in no time, I moved beyond the plateau of the previous day, truly knowing that right where I am now, in this moment, is the BEST time of my life!  Fully appreciating just how far I've come since that relationship! Remembering that, the care about what he or anyone else might say or think about me just fell away, like beads of sweat after a hard workout. 

Three weeks later, on the appointed day, I spent the day surrounding myself with everything that reminded me of love. I listened to beautiful music all day, meditated and prayed to be used for the highest good of all concerned at the gathering later that evening.  This muscle memory is stronger than the mental muscle memory and I have been a dedicated gym rat where it is concerned!

What happened after was truly amazing.  I had developed new, stronger muscles!  Muscles of inadequacy were replaced by muscles of confidence and unconditional love; muscles of realizing my place as a beneficial presence in this gathering of people seeking to wake up.

In one short evening everything I’ve learned at this Gym of Higher Consciousness known as my spiritual practice demonstrated fully.  I stepped into my greatness without fear.   It wasn’t about anyone but me.  I had done the work.  I reaped the benefits.  As a result, I was open to being used by Spirit, knowing my muscles would do the work effortlessly.  You see, this muscle memory never fails, never forgets.

I’d love to tell you more, but my personal trainer is calling! Gotta hit the gym! I have a whole new set of muscles to work today!

Til next time-

If I could see me now!

My how time flies! 2 years flashed by in the blink of an eye!

I recently celebrated my 2 year anniversary of the first time I attended services at the Agape International Spiritual Center. Coerced by my longtime friend and soul sister, Lily; it was her last Sunday of a month-long visit to California from Brazil and “Rev Michael” was speaking. Years ago (10 or more) she had begged and begged me to attend services at this mystical spiritual place. Back then, I had absolutely no interest in “church”. “It’s not like any church you’ve ever attended” she assured me. Still, Saturday was party night for me back then and I absolutely was NOT getting up early on a Sunday morning to drive across town to go to church or anything remotely similar! This time…I went.

I was raised in a traditional religion and never felt quite comfortable in that environment. I didn’t have the words to express why it didn’t resonate with me, but I knew the most of the time, I wasn’t left with a good feeling walking out of the sanctuary. I was always afraid that my “being saved” didn’t quite “take” and that at any moment I would be driven to hell in that proverbial handbasket. And, I didn’t understand why one religion’s beliefs were the “only” way and all others were wrong or misguided. Agape turned out to be exactly how Lily described it with the added bonus that, from the moment I walked into the sanctuary until walking out and beyond, I felt GOOD! No, not Good, GREAT! LOVED!

It was like a wave of love rose up to meet me when I crossed the threshold; a wave that buoyed me through the congregational hymns, the welcoming of first time visitors by the congregation, the musical inspiration, which was a Sufi minister with an angelic voice who chanted in a language that, while I did not understand the words, the feeling tone of the music seemed to lift me even higher into love. (Agape embraces all religions and beliefs. That, alone made me take notice that this place was different.)

When this “Reverend Michael” spoke, he did so with the authority of one who knew some Truth about me that I did not yet remember about myself; one who has sat with the ineffable, has touched the garment of the Christ, and who was so completely down to earth, accessible and funny – all while delivering a message of love for everyone and the planet. I was moved beyond any words this little chatter box could seem to find. So, I did what was easiest for me: I cried. And I cried. And when I was done, I cried a little more for good measure. Never had I felt this kind of all-consuming love. Something in my soul woke up. Those tears washed away years of feeling separated from God. I knew that I was HOME.

Most people who seek out Agape or happen upon it for one reason or another have a similar story: A feeling of finally being home. There is nothing like it. To feel the loving glances and blessings of the culturally and ethnically diverse congregation saying in unison “Welcome to Agape” and to see the sincerity in their eyes and feel the hugs at the end of the service, one may think this is just a touchy-feely new age-y kind of kind of band of religious rebels or misfits. I promise you, it is SO much more!

Rev Michael likes to say, “We don’t come to Agape to feel good. We come here to be free.” Well, freedom sometimes has some high costs.

I dove into this new world with bright eyes and open heart, attending services every Sunday and telling everyone I knew how wonderful a place it was. Several friends were intrigued and came along a couple of times but most, for various reasons, didn’t resonate with the energy there and stopped going. That didn’t matter to me. I was pulled –out of my comfort zone which did not permit me to go into any gathering where I knew no one – into a place and a teaching of such unconditional love that one could not help but be comfortable.

While I went deeper into remembering who I am and reconnecting with Spirit, this new-found freedom started to exact its cost in my life. Friends I’d had for decades started distancing themselves from me, finding we had less in common and less to talk about, and saying I was too “this” or too “that” for them. Financial challenges started showing up with increasing regularity. Ultimately, health challenges followed closely behind, all rocking me to my core and inviting me to stand in the Spiritual Principles I’d learned, the most profound being “all needs met.”

Three little words: All Needs Met. I took that literally as I sat like a Buddha every morning on my sofa, meditating, assuming God would provide for all my needs, while I sat in stillness. Later, of course, I realized that it’s not enough to remain “STILL”. We must move one foot in front of the other, as the ground rises up to meet our feet. Each step in the right direction shows us more and more of who we really are and what we came to be. Support shows up. Abundance shows up. LOVE shows up.

I was taught that what no longer served me would fall away – and it definitely did (and still does!) - but at what felt like the lowest point in my outer life, my spiritual life was blossoming. I was the little flower blooming through the cracks in the hard pavement. Somehow I knew it would all turn out ok.

And it has! Yes, friends and I have parted company along the way and while there is still more than enough space in my heart for them, I also know that our vibrations no longer match and that those old conversations just don’t interest me any longer. For each one that fell away, 3, 4 – 5 more have filled in that space. And, miraculously, some friends from my past have resurfaced with their own awakened journeys! Our conversations go higher and deeper than I’d ever imagined possible. The “aha” moments come faster and faster and I feel my awareness expand on such incredible levels; I am not sure WHAT I was doing with my life up til that first day 2 years ago!

In these past couple of years I have seen myself transform into someone I could never imagine in my wildest dreams!

One of my first realizations of this was while sitting in a sound bath in Eagle Rock on the Summer Solstice. At the end of the sound bath, we were invited to participate in a “Sea of Oms”; 7 deep breaths, exhaling “Om” with each one at our own pace. 50 or so of us together, creating this “sea” of sound – the sound of God ("OM" is the name of God, the vibration of the Supreme in Hinduism.) With eyes closed, I felt compelled to open one eye and take a peek at who was swimming with me in this sea. In that moment, something forever shifted in me. If I could have only seen myself! I was now officially a tree-hugging, veg-head, om-ing being! Let them laugh! I am the Happy Buddha! I shall laugh right along with them!

I’ve heard it said (and I believe) that everyone will eventually wake up. For some, like me, it may happen gradually after a long period of seeming separation. For others, it may be a sudden awakening at the time of their transition out of this physical form. For others, perhaps it occurs somewhere in between. But EVERYONE will wake up.

In the early morning light of my spiritual awakening, as I look in the mirror of my transformation, I see someone familiar; someone that I love being in this very moment! I wipe the sleep from my eyes and I give thanks for the incredible journey ahead; and for all that brought me to this NOW moment.

 Namaste’

Take a Penny, Leave a Penney

I was recently “gifted” with our Spiritual Center’s Women’s Retreat by a dear friend. It was an amazing experience for my mind, body & soul while “awake” and “asleep.”

On rising after the first night’s sleep, I told my 10 other cabin mates,” There was a lot of activity in here last night”  - and I wasn’t talking about the squeaking beds or the snoring or trips up and down the ladders of the top bunks for “restoring one’s personal comfort” (ie: peeing!) No, I was referring to the seeming endless stream of “visitors” that I felt moving through the cabin. This was even stranger for me because I don’t refer to nighttime events like this. I call them DREAMS!  But these felt different from dreams. 

One event in particular really grabbed my attention and hasn’t let go since.  It involved Penny.

I was sleeping on the lone bed without a bunk above it, pushed up lengthwise under a window.  All of the bunks were lined up along the other side of the room, with a big open space separating us.

I felt a hand pressing against the middle of my back, pushing me, gently at first, then with more force, toward the center of the room – and coincidentally, OFF the bed! At the same time I heard a whisper, then louder:   ((Penny)) ….Penny….PENNY!

With the last “PENNY” came a hard, forceful shove by the hand in my back and in my mind I screamed, “WHO’S PENNY?” Just as I caught myself falling to the floor!  I put my hand out to catch myself and looked around.  9 peaceful dreamers and one snorer…all in their beds, unaware.

The next day one of my cabin mates tracked down another retreat attendee named Penny and pointed her out to me.  I felt very strongly that somewhere, there was someone named Penny with a message for me.  I approached her, introduced myself and, since she already had heard the story, asked her rather bluntly, “What do you have to tell me?”  Obviously caught off guard (and maybe a little freaked out!) she had nothing.  That was OK….the right “penny” would turn up, of this I was certain.

Flash forward 2 weeks and I am sitting with the group of retreat women during Sunday service.  During the usual weekly announcements there is a “coming attraction” of who is being interviewed during Rev. Michael’s weekly radio program, The Sound Of Transformation.  “This week’s guest is Penney Peirce.” I looked to my cabin mates sitting on my right and could barely hold back my excitement!!! Was THIS my “PENNY”?  And yet, I wouldn’t know until Friday! Still, the synchronicities leading to this moment were many, far too many to share here. So…I waited…knowing something amazing was waiting for me at the end of the week!

On the day I was to listen to the replay (not being available for the original airplay time), 2 dear friends of mine who had just met each other were both in my home.  The one I’ve known the shorter time asked something of me and I gave her a sarcastic (but I thought FUNNY) answer.  She looked to the friend of 15+ years and asked if I was this mean to her when she first met me.  (MEAN? ME???)  The longtime friend confirmed how I used to endlessly tease her about things she didn’t know.  She sweetly laughed it off back then, as does this friend now.  Hmmm…Was I really that horrible to the people I love? It certainly wasn’t intended that way.

[I know this is long but, seriously, the revelations I have discovered are worth every word, and then some! It's my story and I've got to tell it!]

The newer friend went on about her day, leaving the longtime friend and I to listen to the archived radio program.

Much of it was very similar to the sermon we’d just heard in church that morning, at least for me.  This Penney did say something profound for me that wasn’t discussed in church.  She is an intuitive teacher who teaches us how to work with our own personal “home” vibration and is the author of “Frequency The Power of Personal Vibration.”  She mentioned how important it is to speak kindly to one another, specifically avoiding…..wait for it……SARCASM!!!

Initially I brushed it off. OH! I knew that was what I was waiting for but still, I tried to look the other way. I realized how much hurt I have caused over my incarnation, being sarcastic to, not only my friends, but to ME!  Each self-deprecating comment to myself, and each belittlement to others is a tiny little barb that, even in its seeming-innocent humorous way, has the power to chip away at someone, if that someone gives it the power.

This NOW moment also took me back to a classmate I had at the beginning of study at UTSLA.  For some reason I was DRAWN to be overly sarcastic with each and every comment I exchanged with this beautiful soul. Mostly, the comments were directed at me.  At one point she looked me square in the eye and with ultimate knowing said:

“I know why I am in your life right now. It’s to show you how to love yourself.”

W-O-W!

From then on, she called me on my sarcasm and how I used it to avoid accepting compliments or to make fun of myself before someone else did and eventually it invited me to take a look at how I was talking to myself.  It wasn’t with love. It was tiny barbs of judgment and ridicule delivered in a pretty sheath of humor that made people notice me.  I was looking outside of myself for the love and attention I wasn’t able to give myself!  Deep? Yes!  Huge? ABSOLUTELY!!!

With work, gentleness and patience I gave up being sarcastic with myself and started working on loving me like I love my friends.  But, apparently, I still have a way to go on that area too!  Being aware is the first step in the journey, right?

As I shared this story with another friend the other day, I was able to do that whole “Take a penny/leave a penny” thing some stores do at their checkout counters.  As I told the story, she lit up, having her OWN sarcasm story with an old friend that happened just the day before.  For the first time in their friendship, she, too, was called out on her sarcastic ways of communicating! Take a penny/leave a penny! 

As I move forward on this journey, I am aware of the power of words and, especially now, how important it is to speak with love and compassion with each other; to truly see the God in each person; friend, stranger, and ME.

I am so grateful to all the “Penny’s” in my life that have been dropped along The Journey To Be(th)

Namaste’

The Buffet Line of Spiritual Transformation

The other morning I had a dream, which on its surface, seemed somewhat silly.  I always write my dreams down and, when they seem confusing, often times they become crystal clear when written on paper. 

This is one of those dreams...

I was at my spiritual community, Agape, after service.  This Agape didn't look like the physical one in my "real" world ("real" being used loosely here!)  It had a practice of serving a huge buffet meal after service.  It also had practitioners available for prayer after the service, as it does now.  The practitioners gathered outside in the warm sun on wide concrete steps. I was a new practitioner and I made my way to the steps.

Shortly, a women with long blond hair and a "first timers" purple ribbon approached me for prayer.  She began to tell me of a "galactic" challenge she was experiencing. I immediately knew this was beyond my scope of experience and began looking around for a more "seasoned" practitioner for her. 

I saw Rev. Michael approaching and thought I would introduce them and surely he might help or find someone who could.  Of course he was gracious and ready to speak with her once I explained the situation. He looked about briefly, explaining it had been a long day for him - and about to get longer - and said he could really use a cup of coffee.  He handed me his empty cup and I sprang into action and headed to the buffet to get it for him.

Once at the buffet I saw an old friend; one who has drifted out of my life in the past few years.  She was juggling a stack of books in her arms while trying to fill a plate w/food. 

I ran over to her, shocked to see her there! "What are YOU doing here?" (semi-judgmentally) "I've BEEN here for the past year or so. I work with the youth groups." "Funny, I've never seen you." "It's a big place."

We continued to chat as I accompanied her through the line, briefly forgetting my mission to get the coffee.  At one point I pulled a piece of meat from the fried chicken breast on her plate.

Eventually we parted ways as the sun was setting. OOPS! Coffee!!! I ran back to the coffee urns only to find them empty. I instantly felt guilty for not taking care of this simple task sooner and wondered if I could sneak past where I'd left Rev. Michael and to my car to race to Starbucks to get the coffee.

Another part of me thought, "He's probably finished talking with the woman and already home!" - I wished that was the case and that he would forget who I was and what I had promised to do.

I snuck down between the cars directly across from the stairs where I'd left him.  As I stood to get in my car, he saw me.  Our eyes locked. I immediately felt a wave of shame and disappointment wash over me. Then I woke up.

As I said earlier, at first this dream made little sense.  As I wrote it down, a perfect picture of my life began to unfold.

I learned a while back that, when one dreams of a spiritual mentor or leader with whom they connect, it is really that person's Higher Self. Hence, Rev. Michael is me. Easy enough to grasp.

I am me. No brainer

The blond, first-timer - also me.

The coffee - simply a symbol for WAKING UP! (To my knowledge, the Rev doesn't even drink the stuff!)

The coffee cup - my thirst for knowledge; to fill up on it

The buffet line - Ah! This is the BEST part of the dream: The path to spiritual transformation!

The friend in line - Well, she was one specific friend from my past, but in Truth, she is many.  And my shock at seeing her in line or, on a spiritual path? Well, that was my judgement of everyone that I have judged in my mind that do not believe how I believe or live how I live. (HUGE!!!)

So, to string the symbols together, I saw that I came to ask myself a question of "galactic" proportions, only to believe I did not have the answer.  I looked to my Higher Self instead (which, since all is ONE, is God- in/as and through me.)

My wish to WAKE UP to my Truth was represented by an obvious cup of coffee, which, for a time, I conveniently forgot about.  Instead, I ran into someone who, despite my personal judgement, was also on the Spiritual Path.  She was just on a different part of the path! (or, as my friend with whom I dissected this dream put it: "I was in line for the rice and she was over in the meat section!)

When I grabbed a bite of the chicken, it was me, momentarily forgetting who (and whose I am) - I gave up meat a while ago.

REmembering the coffee as the sun set was me, now, during these past couple of years and later in my life, waking up - and feeling shame, guilt & disappointment for waiting so long.

And finally, creeping away to get the coffee, and meeting my Higher Self in the form of Rev. Michael, in his familiar "locking eyes" way, feeling the guilt and shame rush over me.

This dream really has helped heal a part within me that judges myself too harshly and even more importantly, has seen others as separate from me.  My thought til now has always been along the lines of "Why doesn't he/she get it?"

In fact, we ALL get it.  There's no way to NOT get it.  We just get it at different times and places along the path.  And, like it or not, believe it or not, we are ALL on the path!  The buffet line is long and full of the most delicious morsels we could ever imagine, manifest - or dream!  Grab a plate and let's eat!

To All the Men I've Loved

Along the road of spiritual transformation, there is much to learn.  One of the foundations is that all love begins with self-love.  When I hear again, with new ears, scriptures like "Love thy neighbor as thyself" I am invited to ask myself, "Just HOW much DO I love myself?"  If my love for my "neighbor" is the reflection, well, let's just say there is much work to be done here!

I know I am holding onto some stuff that no longer serves me, namely extra weight.  It has done an excellent job of keeping me protected while I journey on, making sure I don't stretch myself too far.  Keeping me out of the cute clothes in my closet that make me feel beautiful when I wear them.  Keeping me from enjoying activities that would bring new men into my life - and maybe a loving relationship! It has provided the perfect set of excuses for taking up residence as well: menopause + dissolution of my business partnership & associated stress + spiritual awakening = all combined, it made perfect sense to me. 

Yes, this was self-love in one form.  It allowed me the time and space for some much-needed reconnection with Spirit and I am eternally grateful for its service.  Now it is time to release it.

So I roll up my spiritual sleeves and get to work.  Along the way, Spirit has REconnected me with some pretty (& I say "pretty" because they are - inside and out) amazing teachers.  Each one of them has added a piece of my puzzle and once I was able to arrange the pieces in the right order, a perfect picture appeared.

I started by using my financial practitioner, J.'s, tool for examining resistance by simply asking "Where is the resistance?" in meditation.  Now, this got me into a bit of a health pickle last time I asked this question so I am careful now to ask for some "ease and grace" to accompany the answer!

H.  Oh! H!  High school bestie who shares the love of breaking down words with me: MIS-take, RE-member, DE-serve.  That last one's a doozy!  We use it so often as meaning something to which we feel we are entitled.  In reality, it is saying the same as UN-served.  We agree the better choice is DESIRE and to this day, I still sometimes catch me DEserving myself!

Then there's A.  We met once in this lifetime about a year ago & have stayed in touch through Facebook, sharing similar journeys in life, learning and growing from one another. She added the piece of the puzzle called "worthiness" and invited me to explore it from a new vantage point: past relationships.  This is where the work is for me now.

It's amazing to me how, no matter how much forgiveness, releasing and other work one does in a particular area of her life, there always seems to be more to bubble up, the deeper the practice goes.  This is most true for me in the area of relationship.  A. invited me to forgive the men from my past.  Forgive myself for my part in those relationships.  I checked her invitations off one by one, certain I'd done that step already. 

Then I meditated.

I was immediately taken back to 2 important relationships in my life.  Both in which I fell long and hard for the guy. And, both in which I have done extensive forgiveness work.

First was my First.  Literally.  First love. Childhood sweetheart for years but life and families didn't quite provide the needed guidance for us to know what to do in that space and time.  In the end, he married someone else and my heart cracked open in agony.  I didn't DESERVE to be treated this way! WHY wasn't I good enough to marry?  Why didn't he pick ME?  I spent YEARS thinking that someday we might actually end up together, sabotaging some possibly great relationships with that thinking, holding onto that thread of hope.

Then, there was a more recent one, several years back now. He was BEAUTIFUL in every way!  Smart, successful, drove a nice car, LISTENED to me! Funny!  Check, check and CHECK! Everything this girl could want in a guy.  And, he seemed to like me too!  I was so LUCKY!

I did everything possible to twist myself into what I thought he wanted me to be because I never felt like I completely deserved someone so perfect.  Oh, I guess he had flaws, (but not like MINE!) and I chose to see them as cute personality quirks instead.  Don't we all?

We had an incredible 10 mos. together by the time my birthday rolled around.  After a romantic dinner by the sea he presented my with a diamond necklace - a beautiful 3-stoned "journey" pendant (as in past, present, future).  For the first time in those 10 months, I relaxed into "He REALLY likes me!"

2 weeks later he dumped me, saying he loved me but wasn't in love with me. WTH?  I was crushed like I'd never been before.  Something in me told me, "Yep, you're not good enough for a guy like that.  Told ya! You don't DESERVE him."

Several weeks later we decided to become friends with benefits (his idea, not mine - but I did agree), or as I now call it, "A complete absence of self-love and self-worth on my part." We did everything but have a lawyer write up the agreement for us.  EVERYTHING was stipulated, from notifying each other if we were going out on a date to how we would indicate we wanted to see the other person.  As I write this I am appalled at how little I loved myself during those days!

That relationship went on for 2-1/2 more years, with him "breaking" the agreement twice with the same woman.  First time was financially disastrous for me -I read intimate text msgs between them on his borrowed phone while driving and crashed my car. Each time I forgave the indiscretion.

It wasn't until over a year after his last transgression, over dinner, when I told him I had googled this woman - back at the time of these events - that he completely went off the rails, screaming at me, promising to have her prosecute me (?!) if I ever tried to contact her, and thereby ending our "Agreement" once and for all, forever.

I tell this story, not to make him the bad guy. Not at all.  All along he maintained his lack of "being" in love with me. Trust me, I did check occasionally.  Didn't change my behavior, but I DID check! My lack of self-worth and self-love kept me sticking around with thoughts like "How will I ever find someone this perfect for me again?" and on a deeper level, "He doesn't love you because you're not good enough for him.  Maybe if you were thinner, more financially secure, more ______whatever, he would love you.  You don't DESERVE him."

After these two relationships replayed themselves at warp speed during my meditation, I saw them from a completely new perspective.  I didn't DESERVE them.

That's right. I didn't, then or now or ever, deserve to be in a relationship with, or holding a torch for, someone who doesn't share the same level of commitment and DESIRE as I do.

All of this deep soul searching, and digging up of memories, has allowed me to identify my resistance to my own self love & worthiness, which will allow me to release the "stuff" that no longer serves me, and to begin to love ME in the right ways. It's an ongoing process, but I have the tools to do the work. Only then can I begin to love my "neighbor" as myself, in the way God intended; healthy, whole and full-out!

So, to ALL the men I've loved before, I lovingly say:

You never knew how lucky you were to have someone like me love you.  As for me, I didn't deserve you.

PB&J til next time,
Beth

Be Mindful of Your Pebbles

Just as a pebble dropped into a still pond creates ripples moving out to the banks beyond, much larger than the tiny pebble itself, so do we ripple out into the world with our words, thoughts and actions.

Each ripple of fear, paranoia, lack, limitation and hate expands with every eye that reads, every hear that hears and every heart that feels.

And so it goes with love, forgiveness and truth.  A little love ripples int greater love.  A little forgiveness heals its way into more forgiveness.  A small truth becomes Truth.

Be ever mindful of the pebbles you toss into that still pond of consciousness. 
The world is riding your wave.

The Shape of Things to Come....

Over the next few weeks I sloooowwwwly began to examine how to make my next move in moving away from the business that I started and planned on having until long after retirement age. 

I spoke w/trusted friends and confidants, wrote endlessly in my journal about being frozen, unable to move forward, and continued to sport a growing spare tire made not of rubber but of fear, stress and uncertainty.  I also felt an incredible pull to spend time with my dear friend, Thalia, who lives in the desert.  It was more of a soul craving.  This woman entered my life years ago when her life had taken a 180 degree turn.  I was a sort of “way show-er” for her then but the tables turned very quickly and she became one of those deep soul connections and wise ones that I turn to when I need the guidance and clear headed-ness of a mother figure.  (She is not old enough in chronological years to actually BE my mom, but her wisdom is timeless and ageless!)

I spent the following weekend in her nest, under the wings of her friendship and love, sipping champagne, floating in her pool, and talking about everything except the current situation in my life.  It wasn’t avoidance.  It was healing and restorative.  My ego and life plan had taken a huge hit, and just needed some good old fashioned unconditional love for a couple of days.  I got it in abundance, along with some much-needed Vitamin D and laughter.

Funny how, when you put some distance between you and the problem, things start to clear.   (This is a lesson I have been invited to learn over and over and over again in the months since!) I used to say it was like being in the eye of the storm; you can’t see what is out there beyond because you are too close to it.  But in reality, isn’t the eye of the storm the most CALM? 

Anyway, the plan began to take shape.  On the advice of a trusted attorney friend of a friend, it was decided that the best thing to do was to sell my shares and simply walk away from the business, and start over again (whatever that meant!)  After all, my partner wanted to be on his own so badly, he had already offered to assume all of the debt AND agreed to me retaining all of my clients (about 90% of all the company’s client base), allowing for me to continue selling and designing without the overhead burden.  In hindsight, where’s the loss?

The loss was to my ego.  This was MY business too.  It hurt me deeply to think that someone could commit to building something with you and then, without notice, yank the proverbial rug out from under you without warning or the possibility of a changed mind. But, like my partner used to say, this was a marriage without the love.  In my mind, this “marriage” would have continued indefinitely.  In his mind and in his real life, he was about to enter a 2^nd marriage.  Guess there’s only room for one “wife” at a time, huh? 

As I looked back, I saw that his previous “real” marriage had ended as he and I began the business together, and not because there was ever anything between us.  Remember, it was a “marriage without the love”.  I wondered about his commitment abilities in the face of adversity (Nice projection, right?) In my hurt and pain, I was somehow able to keep the snide remarks about “warning” his new bride about his 5-year commitment expiration date to myself, though I know I journaled about it!

I do not claim to be faultless in his arriving at his decision to end our partnership.  In the first couple of years, we used to laugh at how easy it was to run this business, compared to the struggles our previous employers encountered; how clients and business just found their way to us, without much effort on our part.  I guess we both got comfortable.  When the economy took its nosedive, we didn’t react in the most timely of manners and it took its toll. And, I just didn’t react at ALL.  I just let it flounder and suffer until it was on life support.  Instead of pulling the plug on the entire thing, he simply chose to amputate the dead weight: me.

I used to think of us like those sons in the Bible – the good son and the prodigal son.  My partner always seemed to have his shit together while I, much older, was still struggling to pay my bills, spending everything I had as fast as it came in.  I had virtually no savings and no plan.  He had used what was given to him wisely.  Me? Not so much.  Mixed in with the hurt was a huge dose of guilt and shame.  He was calling me on this without ever pointing a finger or saying a word.  I see it now as a wakeup call for me, albeit at the expense of others in the process. It was a painful lesson but, as I later discovered, life had gone on ahead of me, making the way for me while I took my time to catch up…

In April my soon-to-be-ex-partner married his soul mate.  At the reception, his mom spoke of how proud she and her husband were of their son, coming to America and learning a trade and now, ultimately owning his own business.  I was now officially nothing:  in the room and yet invisible for the contribution I made to that business.  As the 7 stages of grief go, pain & guilt were moving on.  Anger had arrived.  I was pissed!