Something happened to me this week which has released a lot
of pent-up stress within my body. I find myself happier, lighter,
clearer-minded and generally, over all, more blissful.
Now, before y’all go jumpin’ in the gutter, it’s not THAT. It is something quite different.
Something most would consider horrendous, shameful, and would qualify as an
out-and-out failure. I assure you, I do not feel like a failure. For the first
time in 3-1/2 years, I feel FREE!
What was this magical happening in my life that affords me
the aforementioned bliss?
My car was
repossessed.
My car, which I loved dearly; my car that I, for 3-1/2 years
of the 4 that I “owned” it, struggled monthly to cover payments and upkeep; my
car that I mentally released every time I was more than one month late – I
didn’t own it; it owned ME.
Before you go judging, or feeling sorry for me, let me give
you some back story. Perhaps then you too will see this as a blessing, not a
curse.
4 years ago I purchased this beautiful, fast, brand-spanking
new car, by far the nicest car I’d ever owned. At the time I was in business
with a partner and our car expenses were covered by the business. Six months
later, we (he) decided to split. Had I known this was going to happen, I most
surely would not have made this purchase.
The expense of this car rivaled my rent and, because I worked from home,
it sat much of the time in the garage. WAYYYY out of balance with its purpose
in my life! Hind sight is awesome, right?
From then on I struggled.
The payment was high and the MPG not so great. I also had begun to rebuild a business that I
wasn’t completely certain I still wanted. But, it paid the bills. It was “good
enough” for the time being.
I knew how to work the system with Nissan Motor Acceptance.
Don’t answer the calls from the 800 number the first month because that was
just a call center in India and they just wanted to bug me, reading from the
script. No, wait until the call came from the 214 area code in Texas, and even
then, wait until a message is left. THAT
call would be from the person who could really take the info, agree to the
payment terms I was able to make, and more importantly, who could stop the repo
man from showing up at an inopportune moment. This important call would come
somewhere between the 2-2-1/2 month mark.
Each time I eventually made that call, I was met with
kindness and graciousness as we went through the list of
“confirming-my-identity” questions. One,
of course, confirmed my address. I have nothing but positive things to say
about the staff with whom I dealt over the years. They were impeccable with their graciousness,
understanding and respect.
And, I would be remiss if I did not mention the NUMEROUS
friends – and strangers – who have helped me keep this car along the way. Some
have drifted out of my life but I will always know that they helped me in ways
that move far beyond keeping the car. I
doubt most will ever realize the measure of those ways, but in my heart, there
is a deep and profound love always for each and every one of them.
It is also important to note that, just as I was purchasing
this car, I began to take my spiritual life seriously. Folks in my circles today refer to this as an
Awakening. My life began changing in
profound ways – from the inside out.
Most around me at that time could not see the changes taking place; they
could only seem to feel a distancing happening – as if we had less and less in
common. For me, I was experiencing a
world I’d never known before. I liked it. I liked it A LOT!
This new world was not easy and much of the time, it was not
pretty. One of my teachers likes to remind that “transformation is messy” and
by GOD! I am a testament to that! Still, I do believe that what is left behind
from all the mess is a beauty and grace like non other. If I must trek through
the mud of my old life to get there, then trek I shall!
The first time I almost lost my car to the big, black tow
truck, I was in a prosperity class (of all things!) One of my classmates, who
did not know the level of my anxiety at being unable to pay my rent AND 3
months’ car payments at the time, shared his story with me. He said, and I am
paraphrasing here, “Everything that is not in alignment with who I am now – HAD
TO GO! The possessions, the friends, the
lifestyle – if it wasn’t in vibrational harmony, it will fall away.”
At that moment, I REFUSED to believe that God’s “plan” for
my life included me and my 2 cats panhandling on a freeway offramp!
Gratefully, the waters soon parted and an angel showed up
with a gift that helped me keep my car.
I offered the car in service to God repeatedly, praying, “If keeping
this car is part of the plan, let me use it in service in whatever ways
possible.”
Within hours I came across a Facebook friend’s post, asking
for a ride to our Spiritual Center. She
lived out in the boonies and had a fairly large circle of “in-person” friends on
Facebook. As I read the post I said, “Someone
else will help her.” That still, small
voice inside had a different take on things. It said, quietly,
“Go get her.”
I waited. She posted her plea again.
“Surely someone else will help her.”
Again, the still, small voice replied,
“Go Get Her.”
The third time she posted her request:
“WHY isn’t one of her friends responding to her plea?”
“GO GET HER!!!”
With that, I sent her a message and the rest became history.
She was the first answer to my prayer, and I, hers. We became sweet friends and I am blessed to
have learned so much about myself and love through that friendship. Gifts received!
Similar opportunities to be blessed and in service
continued, right alongside the struggles to pay for the car. At another critical moment, I moved on
another direction – straight from the still, small voice’s mouth. It told me to
ask my Facebook friends for help – by asking each one to donate $5.00 to
me. I was flooded with paypal deposits
and checks in the mail which more than covered keeping the car and paying the
rent….AGAIN.
That experience also birthed a philanthropic venture for me,
Microgivingworks. Between the outpouring
of support and the giving back of this venture, I received more gifts than
there is paper on which to list them.
The last of the many opportunities for service came with my new
roommate. She was temporarily car-less
and I gladly offered her mine to use.
Working from home and now living across the street from my Spiritual
Center, I had random, little need for the car and that was easily worked around
her schedule.
This worked great for both of us but eventually she wanted
her own set of wheels so I took her to my car dealer and within hours, she no
longer needed my car.
At the same time, my business dried up and I decided to
trust that inner voice again when it led me to close the business – without a
parachute or a plan. It said,
“Wait. I
have something better in mind for you.”
Man! Can I tell you how hard it was to
take THAT advice?! That brought me to an entirely new level of faith that I am
still leaning into and understanding.
With my car no longer needed in service to either myself or
my roommate, I once again found myself in the “3-month” zone. I made the call, gave them my new address,
arranged the payments and then I did – or didn’t do – something I am still
wrapping my head around.
I arranged to make one month’s payment immediately – had the cash in hand – via Western
Union. The balance would be made upon receipt of my final check from my final
client in a week or so. (That would
bring me current – for now – but would also leave me with little left for the
rest of my expenses such as rent and food.) I went to the Western Union location listed
that was closest to home and it was no longer there. Then, I went to one
closest to a part time job I had. At
this one, the cashier was on a break and the store clerk that tried to help me
didn’t speak English. I left without making the payment saying, “This payment
is far too important to screw up. I’ll go somewhere else.” AH! Irony!!!
But I never DID go to another place. Instead, I put the cash
back in my nightstand drawer where it sits today. I thought about it, saying, “I should
probably call them or try and find another Western Union location”, but I did
nothing.
Monday morning I was awakened by the sound of a car alarm
going off. I knew it was mine. Soon after, I heard the chugging of a motor
pulling out of our parking garage below my bedroom window. There, attached to a big, black tow truck was
my car. My heart raced and my body shook as I went to my roommate’s room to
tell her what had happened.
And then, for what felt like the first time in ages, I took
a deep, long breath. The mornings of waking with a jolt of anxiety, of running
to the window to look for a tow truck, of not finding my car where I had left
it, only to realize I had parked it in another row at the grocery store, those
moments are gone.
I had, rather painfully, orchestrated the whole
thing; all 3-1/2 years of it. There were ways – which had
worked in the past – which I could have put into action in order to keep my
car. But, that friend’s voice kept repeating in my head. “Everything that is
not in alignment with who I am now – HAD TO GO.” It was finally the time: now. It was gone, and I felt a tsunami of relief
wash over me.
In a flash I remembered what I have known for a long time;
that car is not in alignment with who I am.
And, in laymen’s terms, it was completely out of whack with my income
and balance sheet! That car cost as much
a month as my rent! Completely unsustainable, no matter HOW much goodness
and financial assistance I received.
It was also the last remnant of a life I am leaving
behind. Each time I thought of how to
pay for it, there was a little piece of me that said, “It’s too much car for
me” or “I never would have bought this had I known the business was going to
split.” That last one led me to thoughts about my ex business partner and my
un-forgiveness around him and that experience that still surfaced from time to
time. Granted, I could have done some
prayer or energy work around this in order to release those feelings however, for
me, that would be like treating the symptom, not the disease. I was exhausted,
repeating that pattern over and over. It was time to let it go.
While I do not believe that one random, negative thought can
change the course of my life, I do believe that continued energy placed in the
direction of one thought or idea WILL eventually manifest. I have just demonstrated this.
Thoughts, people, Become things!
So, where does all this leave me now? I honestly have no idea! I do, however, know some things:
- I know that my bicycle and I are going to get to know one another better and that some of the benefits of that renewed relationship are going to be seen in my dress size.
- I know that my financial burden is lightened in the very week that I begin my further education into becoming a licensed, spiritual practitioner. This is the most important thing for me right now and the lowering of my overhead by HALF is making a huge difference already in my ability to be fully present for my studies.
- I know that now I can take my cat to the vet for needed treatment; treatment that would have been delayed had I chose to make that car payment.
-
I know about ways to tool around the city, when needed,
thanks to a little company called “Relay Rides” (as I said, I’ve been here
before and as such, I’ve explored other options!)
And, most importantly, I know that I know that I know that
ALL is WELL. I read something this morning about faith. “The faith OF God is very
different from a faith IN God. The faith of God IS God, and somewhere along
the line of our spiritual evolution, this transition will gradually take place,
where we shall cease having faith IN and shall have faith OF. Always in such
degree as this happens, a demonstration takes place.”
I know there is a success story being written here. I don’t know what it looks like but I am
willing to be open to it in profound new ways. I look forward to using my
experiences to teach others; teach them to find what’s important to them - and
what’s not; what faith is and what real spiritual growth is all about.
Why share this with you? Because I KNOW there are those out
there struggling to make it. Like me, there are some who hold so tightly in one
hand what they are SURE they need, they are unable to open that fist – and those
arms – to receive a better idea than they could ever hope for, dream, or
imagine.
I share this with you because I know there are those who
feel like the world judges them by their possessions and worldly “success”, and, for the most part, it does. By
the world’s standards, I am a complete and utter failure. By GOD’s standards, I am the child in whom
God is well pleased. Not because of what I HAVE, but what I can GIVE. Today, I can give you my story, in the hopes
that somewhere within it you may find something that resonates with you; that
you can know that your bliss and your happiness do not lie in things. These
qualities are God-given and cannot be taken away by the world or anyone in it.
I leave you with this profound comment found today on Facebook:
There are times
when we do not recognize that it is time for us to move forward. When life is
ready for us to move and we resist, life will move us by any means necessary.
What may feel like a disaster is actually a graduation. Remain open to being
guided, supported and protected by the universe.
Journey on til next time-
Beth
