The Tale of Two Brothers, Part 2

It was two days before Thanksgiving. The months in between the premier of “Discover the Gift” and this present moment seemed to flash by at the speed of light; the thought of repairing a brother-sister relationship now in the distant recesses of my mind, deep in the dark soil of my consciousness. 

I was gifted a session with Spiritual Intuitive Bonnie Silver. At the beginning of the call she asked me what my intentions were for the call. Since I really didn’t know what “spiritual intuitive” meant, or what service she provided in that area of expertise, I went to my “go to” goals: balance and clarity. I am always looking for clarity of purpose and balance in all areas of my life.

She also asked me to describe myself. In my best, spiritually-awakened manner I proudly said, “I am a divine emanation of pure Source energy love, the place of love.”

She began to talk, connecting with my thoughts intuitively, and asking questions. At first the questions and comments were sweeping and broad. In my mind she was on one end of a football field; I on the other. The more we spoke, the closer infield we both moved until finally, we were on the 50 yard line standing as one. (Weird, I know, but that’s what I saw!)

She said it felt like I needed to release something/someone from my life. Bonnie felt strongly that once this release took place, there would be greater clarity of purpose in my life.

There were several examples demonstrating her connection to me which I will forego sharing here due to time. Suffice to say that she is the “Real Deal”!

She continued...

She sensed that I was not sure who or what it was that I needed to release but that when I was sure, it would be without a doubt. Perhaps it was someone at my spiritual community, or a family member?

I mentioned that I was indeed considering backing off of a friendship with someone in my community. No, that wasn’t it. It was bigger.

She also sensed that I needed to do some forgiveness work; had I done any in the past? I assured her I have crossed everyone possible of that list! Still, she felt very strongly that there was something more here to do.

I could sense that there was something she was grappling with, trying to “read” or “see” as she spoke. She asked me to talk about my family. That was easy – and short! My parents were both long gone from this dimension and I quickly rolled out my “story” about my brother.

“He and I don’t speak. He lives a somewhat reclusive, paranoid life. He never was the big brother to me that I had dreamt of having so it’s no big loss for me.” End of story.

In an “AHA” the size of and Oprah AHA, Bonnie blurted out, “That’s it! It’s your brother you need to forgive! It’s your judgment of him that you need to release!”

In an instant it was if someone had cracked open my chest cavity and a thousand white doves flew out of it! A summer breeze blew through my body on a chilly November morning! This WAS it! I was surer than I had ever been in my life! Out of all the possible suspects I could think of to forgive, never in my wildest dreams did I consider my brother in that group-mostly, because of my "story" about him.

I had been judging my brother all my life for what he “wasn’t” to me while all the while he was living a life of which I had no knowledge. Bonnie also felt a very strong female presence which she was sure was my mom, guiding her now in this conversation.

Through Bonnie, my mom was very clear: “At the beginning of this call you claimed to be a place of love. Prove it by forgiving your brother.” WOW! I don’t know how much clearer a message I could need!

I instantly knew this was true; this was what I needed to do.

Bonnie went on, guided by my mom. “Your brother needs to know you love him right now; he always felt you had the easy ride and that he had it a lot harder. He has resented you for this.” She also got a very strong hit in the form of one word: Abuse. To Bonnie, it was so strong, it felt like sexual abuse.

Now I KNOW nothing like that ever happened in my family but because of the intenseness of it for Bonnie, it did cause me to flash back to a repairman who did work in our home when we were young.  He was later convicted of molesting boys.  That is not a road I am prepared to walk down just yet, if ever.

Bonnie was also was clear that I must SPEAK with him. Already in my mind I knew there must be a conversation, but I had planned a lovely letter version. Then, realizing that was not appropriate, I decided to write a “script” for my planned phone call so I wouldn’t leave anything out. In the next instant Bonnie says to me, “And it shouldn’t be SCRIPTED.” Was she in my head or WHAT?

I chose Thanksgiving Day for my phone call, to take place during my drive from volunteering in downtown to the family meal at my spiritual community. A call with a time limit, in case it should go awry.

With no script, no plan, no attachment to anything, I dialed the number. I simply breathed a tiny prayer, “Speak through me.”

When my brother got on the line, and after the shock of hearing my voice after so many years, I began to tell him that I loved him. I told him that I had been doing a lot of meditation and soul-searching and had come to realize how much I needed to tell him that, and that I was sorry for the way I have judged him and our relationship all these many years. I took responsibility for my actions, wondering if they had been instrumental in keeping us from having any type of relationship as adults. I also acknowledged that he had been perfect just as the big brother he was – it was my interpretation and judgment that was flawed.

He asked me if I was going to church. I asked if that was a prerequisite for having this type of conversation. “No, but I am a preacher. I like to ask a lot of questions so I know where the person is coming from.” (It is worth noting here, for those who may not know, we were raised Southern Baptist; my brother remains a fundamentalist Christian minister. While I still believe in Biblical teachings, I now embrace the New Thought/Ageless Wisdom teachings of Ernest Holmes, Michael Beckwith and more.)

I explained that I was (literally) on my way to church and described Agape to him as a place where all faiths are welcomed, all people are welcome, a place that is about love and celebrating this life we are here to live. He said he had never heard of a place like this before. ("Get used to it!" I wanted to say!)

What occurred next was nothing short of an amazing miracle. I met my REAL brother for the first time. In the process, I returned to my true self; the loving compassionate real me.

My brother told me how he has never trusted anyone in his life; how he began using drugs at a much earlier age that I was aware, causing him to close himself off from everyone; how he has been abused all of his life; how he would prefer to live off by himself somewhere in the mountains, how “narrow-minded” (his words, not mine) he has always been and how, as he gets older, the more narrow minded he becomes. This was more of a conversation than we had EVER had in our lives! I could not believe – but at the same time was so grateful to hear – how open he was with me.

When he used the word “abused” a chill ran through my body. He immediately followed it with “not physically but everything short of”. Again I felt my heart space crack wide open, seeing my brother for the first time through the eyes of love and compassion. I don’t know what happened early in his life that would keep him feeling like such a victim all these years later, and maybe someday we will have that conversation. More likely, a seed has once again been planted in the darkness, waiting for the right conditions for it to spring into the light; a seed of freedom from the past; a seed of release.

At the same time this flood of emotions was rushing through me, I could feel the undeniable presence of our mom, sitting in the passenger seat of my car, now parked in the lot at Agape. Her energy was so dense, I could almost see her. I felt compelled to tell my brother about her showing up during the call with Bonnie, as if mom was elbowing me to do so, but stopped short of letting him know she was eavesdropping on our call!

He listened without laughing – something I thought he’d surely do (another judgment on my part) and then we continued to talk - about the possibility of trying to build a relationship now. I assured him that I was not expecting anything beyond this call but was certainly open to one. We agreed that the slate was now wiped clean of any old emotions and that we would indeed attempt to rebuild from this moment forward.

With an “I love you” from each end the call was over. In an instant I was free in a way I had never known before. I really DID – and DO – love my brother. In an instant I had the clarity of purpose I had said I wanted on the call with Bonnie. In being the place of love as I described myself, I am living my purpose. In releasing the dead weight of an old story, I achieve more balance. What I asked for I already had! What I seek is already within me.  This is a fundamental principle of my spiritual belief system yet somehow I had not connected it to my personal relationship with my brother. It truly was a return to love.

It is fitting for me to write this today, as I reflect on the past year and wipe the slate clean for a fresh start tomorrow and release the old stories in favor of new truths. Everything is new again!

Happy, Blessed & Loved New Year! Tell somebody you love them!

Return to love, return to love,

With every breath, return,

End and begin with love,

With every breath, return.

Byars Beckwith lyric

If I could see me now!

My how time flies! 2 years flashed by in the blink of an eye!

I recently celebrated my 2 year anniversary of the first time I attended services at the Agape International Spiritual Center. Coerced by my longtime friend and soul sister, Lily; it was her last Sunday of a month-long visit to California from Brazil and “Rev Michael” was speaking. Years ago (10 or more) she had begged and begged me to attend services at this mystical spiritual place. Back then, I had absolutely no interest in “church”. “It’s not like any church you’ve ever attended” she assured me. Still, Saturday was party night for me back then and I absolutely was NOT getting up early on a Sunday morning to drive across town to go to church or anything remotely similar! This time…I went.

I was raised in a traditional religion and never felt quite comfortable in that environment. I didn’t have the words to express why it didn’t resonate with me, but I knew the most of the time, I wasn’t left with a good feeling walking out of the sanctuary. I was always afraid that my “being saved” didn’t quite “take” and that at any moment I would be driven to hell in that proverbial handbasket. And, I didn’t understand why one religion’s beliefs were the “only” way and all others were wrong or misguided. Agape turned out to be exactly how Lily described it with the added bonus that, from the moment I walked into the sanctuary until walking out and beyond, I felt GOOD! No, not Good, GREAT! LOVED!

It was like a wave of love rose up to meet me when I crossed the threshold; a wave that buoyed me through the congregational hymns, the welcoming of first time visitors by the congregation, the musical inspiration, which was a Sufi minister with an angelic voice who chanted in a language that, while I did not understand the words, the feeling tone of the music seemed to lift me even higher into love. (Agape embraces all religions and beliefs. That, alone made me take notice that this place was different.)

When this “Reverend Michael” spoke, he did so with the authority of one who knew some Truth about me that I did not yet remember about myself; one who has sat with the ineffable, has touched the garment of the Christ, and who was so completely down to earth, accessible and funny – all while delivering a message of love for everyone and the planet. I was moved beyond any words this little chatter box could seem to find. So, I did what was easiest for me: I cried. And I cried. And when I was done, I cried a little more for good measure. Never had I felt this kind of all-consuming love. Something in my soul woke up. Those tears washed away years of feeling separated from God. I knew that I was HOME.

Most people who seek out Agape or happen upon it for one reason or another have a similar story: A feeling of finally being home. There is nothing like it. To feel the loving glances and blessings of the culturally and ethnically diverse congregation saying in unison “Welcome to Agape” and to see the sincerity in their eyes and feel the hugs at the end of the service, one may think this is just a touchy-feely new age-y kind of kind of band of religious rebels or misfits. I promise you, it is SO much more!

Rev Michael likes to say, “We don’t come to Agape to feel good. We come here to be free.” Well, freedom sometimes has some high costs.

I dove into this new world with bright eyes and open heart, attending services every Sunday and telling everyone I knew how wonderful a place it was. Several friends were intrigued and came along a couple of times but most, for various reasons, didn’t resonate with the energy there and stopped going. That didn’t matter to me. I was pulled –out of my comfort zone which did not permit me to go into any gathering where I knew no one – into a place and a teaching of such unconditional love that one could not help but be comfortable.

While I went deeper into remembering who I am and reconnecting with Spirit, this new-found freedom started to exact its cost in my life. Friends I’d had for decades started distancing themselves from me, finding we had less in common and less to talk about, and saying I was too “this” or too “that” for them. Financial challenges started showing up with increasing regularity. Ultimately, health challenges followed closely behind, all rocking me to my core and inviting me to stand in the Spiritual Principles I’d learned, the most profound being “all needs met.”

Three little words: All Needs Met. I took that literally as I sat like a Buddha every morning on my sofa, meditating, assuming God would provide for all my needs, while I sat in stillness. Later, of course, I realized that it’s not enough to remain “STILL”. We must move one foot in front of the other, as the ground rises up to meet our feet. Each step in the right direction shows us more and more of who we really are and what we came to be. Support shows up. Abundance shows up. LOVE shows up.

I was taught that what no longer served me would fall away – and it definitely did (and still does!) - but at what felt like the lowest point in my outer life, my spiritual life was blossoming. I was the little flower blooming through the cracks in the hard pavement. Somehow I knew it would all turn out ok.

And it has! Yes, friends and I have parted company along the way and while there is still more than enough space in my heart for them, I also know that our vibrations no longer match and that those old conversations just don’t interest me any longer. For each one that fell away, 3, 4 – 5 more have filled in that space. And, miraculously, some friends from my past have resurfaced with their own awakened journeys! Our conversations go higher and deeper than I’d ever imagined possible. The “aha” moments come faster and faster and I feel my awareness expand on such incredible levels; I am not sure WHAT I was doing with my life up til that first day 2 years ago!

In these past couple of years I have seen myself transform into someone I could never imagine in my wildest dreams!

One of my first realizations of this was while sitting in a sound bath in Eagle Rock on the Summer Solstice. At the end of the sound bath, we were invited to participate in a “Sea of Oms”; 7 deep breaths, exhaling “Om” with each one at our own pace. 50 or so of us together, creating this “sea” of sound – the sound of God ("OM" is the name of God, the vibration of the Supreme in Hinduism.) With eyes closed, I felt compelled to open one eye and take a peek at who was swimming with me in this sea. In that moment, something forever shifted in me. If I could have only seen myself! I was now officially a tree-hugging, veg-head, om-ing being! Let them laugh! I am the Happy Buddha! I shall laugh right along with them!

I’ve heard it said (and I believe) that everyone will eventually wake up. For some, like me, it may happen gradually after a long period of seeming separation. For others, it may be a sudden awakening at the time of their transition out of this physical form. For others, perhaps it occurs somewhere in between. But EVERYONE will wake up.

In the early morning light of my spiritual awakening, as I look in the mirror of my transformation, I see someone familiar; someone that I love being in this very moment! I wipe the sleep from my eyes and I give thanks for the incredible journey ahead; and for all that brought me to this NOW moment.

 Namaste’

Everybody has a story and everybody wants to tell it. Here’s mine

Most people I've known don't typically get excited about having an organ removed from their body. I was no different. But with incredible clarity I was SURE that in releasing my gall bladder with all its infection and poison, I was also releasing a whole lot of old beliefs, bitterness, and condemnation that had some very deep roots. With all the inner work I've done over the past year or so, how could this NOT be exciting for me (minus the pain, of course)? My body had offered up the physical manifestation of all that I have been working to release spiritually. Talk about mind-body-spirit connection!

I have always suffered from lastminuteitus and this was no different. Maybe it has been laziness; maybe it's because deep down in my core I know everything always works out for my good. I lean toward the latter, especially now, and from now on. And while I appreciate the "swoop" of a cleansing, I also realize it doesn't have to be so dramatic, drastic and all-consuming. We can do our work piece by piece, with gentleness and love for ourselves. We don't need to find ourselves bent over the toilet at 2am in agony, wondering "What the heck did I eat?"

But this is how it happened for me. And I bless the whole event, knowing a new sense of clarity and freedom from the old crud that had built up within me; mind, soul & body.

During my hospital stay, both the ER visit 4 days prior and then these days admitted as a patient, I was surrounded by some different energy, clarity and compassion like I've never felt before. And, maybe it was because I was a captive audience of sorts, but people felt the need to tell me their stories.

There was Wanda, the sweet little homeless lady in the ER who held my hand, rubbed my back and proclaimed that I had the appearance of having a whole lot of the world's woes on my shoulders, before she told me her story of a long list of ailments. I found her very soothing and sweet, knowing she is loved by someone somewhere, and in that moment and beyond, definitely by me. I wished she was still there when I left that morning. I wanted to take her home with me, give her a warm meal and let her shower and do whatever I could to make her life a little easier.

Then the ER nurse who felt compelled to tell me of his impending divorce and how his soon-to-be-ex had taken everything from him, including his beloved cat (how could he know THAT is what would get me?). He was bitter, I guess understandably so, and really let loose with how he felt about the whole situation. Through my pain, I felt his pain as his eyes began to tear up. I could see the deep hurt and rejection beyond the bitterness and searched for the right words to say to him. When he returned an hour or so later, he apologized for "dumping" on me, saying he had no idea what made him do that. I told him all the things that were taken from him were just that, things, and prayed he would get his cat back. His wife's leaving was just making the way for a better partner to come along. That was really all I had at that moment.

Then there was my walk back into the ER 3 days later...
As I approached the front doors, a small Asian lady was walking toward me. In my agonizing pain, I couldn't help but notice how much she looked like my friend's mom, who had just made her transition about 2 weeks prior. She looked like Mrs. Hanna when she was healthy and vital, so much so that I stopped to turn and watch her walk away to be sure I wasn't seeing things. Yep, she was still there, walking away in her pretty purple sweater with ruffles along the edges.

A couple of hours later, that same friend, Ren, posted on my Facebook wall that she got a sign from her mom that she was with me: an old rolodex of her mom's was opened to a very old entry for me from some 20 years ago. Talk about a God Wink!

Back in the ER, where you can hear everyone's "story", I realized I "looked" at people differently now. One man who refused to put his clothes on so he could be released and who ran up and down between the beds, well, not too long ago I would have labeled him "drug addict" or "crazy". This time I prayed. When an orderly tried to help him dress he screamed out that the man was going to rape him just as his father had. I was overcome with compassion and prayed again.

There was the nurse who asked me where I lived and then proceeded to tell me about her struggles trying to buy a home with her bad credit. This one actually stopped me in the corridor while I was doing my "walking rounds" after surgery!

Finally, there was the friend who called to check on me who then went into a 10 minute story about the stress and pain of life's current situation. As the friend spoke, I had amazing clarity at the resolution to the ongoing challenge in this friend's life but unsure if it would be taken in the manner it was intended, I remained quiet until an end to the conversation could easily be achieved.

I was also showered with love, prayers & visits from my Agape Community and from my Facebook community, some of which I am still discovering. WOW. No words for the outpouring of love that came my way!! No wonder I felt wrapped in a warm blanket of love the entire time! One of my teachers and ministers, Rev. Coco, called me and spoke the most beautiful prayer for me and with those words, I was able to release a little more, without judging or condemning myself for what I did or didn't due up until that moment. (THIS moment is all any of us ever are guaranteed so why live it looking back?) More love, more healing, more releasing. Will it ever be done? (Short answer: no)

Here's where it gets exciting for me…
I am a big believer in astral projection and other dimensions. I believe that when we sleep, we travel far and wide and experience some amazing things. I have remembered some amazing events from nights past and it makes going to sleep all the more interesting! I have also heard my Spiritual mentor, Rev. Michael, talk about his "travels" to visit people in the hospital during sleep. On Thursday I mentioned to Mary that I would like him to come visit me that night. Why not?

Immediately upon turning off the lights and the nurse closing the door to reveal the wonderful pitch-blackness of my room, I "saw" Rev. Michael step off the elevator on my floor. He had a small stack of papers in one hand and he briskly walked the halls, looking in each room; looking for me.

He came in, dressed in a gray suit, and began to talk to me, interchanging "you" for "I" with great regularity."I thought I was having a heart attack," he said to me (this is what I said to the doctors in the ER last Saturday night). "I've been talking about wanting to make bigger changes in my life and now you have a clean slate and you can do this. All the things you said you wanted to do, I can do now."

I listened intently as he perused through the papers in his hand – as if these were my records of some sort. Soon, he was gone and I sat up thinking, "WOW! That was easy! Ask & you shall receive, right?"

Upon learning the next day that I was still not well enough to go home, I called my friend, Dena, to check in on my cats at home. I basically felt fine, was off pain meds but a little worn out and had a low grade fever I couldn't shake. She offered to do some energy work on me later that evening and I accepted. She is a Reiki Master and I assumed this is what she was going to do. (What I discovered after sharing my experience with her was that she had done Shambala Energy Work on me). She told me to go to sleep, imagining a green light surrounding me. Enjoying my private, semi-private room and its pitch-black stillness once the door was closed, I got ready to go to sleep. ). Somehow during the day, someone had flipped something on at the foot of my bed that gave off a green glow in the room. PERFECT! Green light surrounding me: Check!

I fell asleep and began what was to be a wild night of visions and clearing.

At first, I saw a terra cotta disc floating about 8" above my stomach. It looked like an ancient pot or jar had been broken and this was the base along with about 1" of the pot. On it I could see tiny hieroglyphics etched into it as it spun clockwise, slowly above me. I leaned forward to get a better look at the etchings and then woke. I was dripping in sweat, but upon seeing the green glow in the room, said "green light go!" and went back to sleep.

I saw a perfect Egyptian eye. Then I saw a beautiful Egyptian woman's face around that eye, then her entire form. Then another person standing next to her; then another and another until there was a line of humanity in front of me. While they were real people, they also looked like a charcoal etching. As I traveled down the line of people, they seemed to be coming from the earth itself. By the time I got to the end, the last 2 people were waist-high in the earth, stepping out of it.

Suddenly a burst of bright white light shot out from my heart chakra and completely illuminated the room! BAM! I felt my head hit the pillow with a THUMP as I woke again. Once again I was drenched in sweat. I wiped my face off, shifted into the second of my 2 comfortable sleeping positions, and fell back to sleep.

This time I saw rolodexes – hundreds of them, floating all around me, their cards flying out and away from me. People came into my mind – everyone from the Foremost milkman from my childhood to Mary, my friend who had just visited me, and everyone in between. Each rolodex seemed to represent the memories of an individual.

I was able to think about several people at a time and these thoughts were memories. They were also random and nondescript. None of the memories were of significant moments in time but rather needless little tidbits of information. My mind was racing with all of these and I struggled to quiet my brain, to no avail.

Now I was in a different room in a different place. I was lying on a bed under a window. Outside the window was a beautiful, dark green pine tree. A squirrel made its way up the tall tree and made a nest of pine needles in a crook between 2 branches. It rested its head on its 2 front feet and just stared inside, watching me.

Next to the bed was a radio. A man was interviewing Rev. Michael. Rev. Michael's reply to the interviewer played over and over on a loop: "If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting' what you always got". Over and over it repeated. I remember looking at the radio and saying, "Rev. Michael, you came back again!"

All the while, the rolodexes were spinning along with all the thoughts contained within them.

Then, again, the bright white light emanating from my heart chakra burst out from me into the room, lighting it up! It was BEAUTIFUL! Along the edges of the white light there was golden light, like a ruffle almost. Again the force caused my head to bounce back on the pillow and I awoke. WOW!!

The last time, with rolodexes still spinning everywhere, I saw the most beautiful purple-deep blue and white triangular stone where my 3^rd eye was. It floated slowly and changed colors from purple to deep blue with bits of white and back to deep purple. It was the most beautiful stone I've ever seen. At the same time, my crown chakra felt like it was opening wide. My head was now throbbing, so much activity going on with the rolodexes and the stone and all! LOL!! Soon, the nurse was coming in for the early morning vitals-check. I was dripping in sweat with a massive headache. She brought me a Tylenol and I slept for about an hour or so before waking for good, completely drained of all energy, barely able to move.

When the doctor came in I told him how drained I felt and he said it was understandable; considering the surgery I'd been through. HA! I knew it was more than that and I couldn't WAIT to talk to Dena about all of this! Though physically drained, my mind felt amazingly clear and clean – like the final sweep up once you've moved out of your old apartment.

Even now, when I try to go back to some old places of fear and doubt, they are no longer there. I KNOW I am – and will continue to be – OK. I've given up the "but HOW?" and instead am leaning into full trust that I am taken care of and it doesn't have to show up the way my small mind thinks it should look. As Rev Cheryl would say, "Either God IS or God Isn't". Which is it? For me, that answer is even easier than before: GOD IS. And that's ALL there is!

Everyone has a story to tell. This one was mine. But it's an old story now. I am moving on from it, having harvested the gifts of gratitude, insight, compassion, self-forgiveness and love for myself and others. I have a new story to tell, a new territory to discover. I am putting my focus and energy where it can best benefit me, in the Here and Now. It's a beautiful place to be. Join me, won't you?

The Gall of it All ~or~ Where’s the Resentment? – The Final Exam

Well! My original attempt to keep this blog chronological seems to be retooling itself due to life’s wonderful discoveries that come faster and faster lately.

I will go with the flow…

Upon finishing my last post I immediately came down with the appearance of a cold: congestion, runny nose, the works. I figured this was my body’s way of confirming the work I’d done and was doing.  I blessed it, never so happy to have a cold in my life! I finished class growth work in the area of finances, really seeing the supportive Universe that supports all of us all of the time.  We worry not that, in taking a deep breath, we limit another’s ability to breathe.  We don’t even THINK about the fact that, while we sleep, as well as all day long, our hearts keep pumping blood without needing reminding.  We turn the water on in the bathroom and there it is.  It’s clean and free-flowing.  We flip a switch and the electricity is there.  Yes, supported without our input.  These are all examples of our supportive Universe.

I was also “invited” to experience the tangible supportiveness of the Universe on many occasions prior to the end of class, but especially on the last night of class. Coming out to find a flat tire in the darkness, with a throng of classmates and practitioners willing to help, really wrapped up the class with a greasy ribbon for me!  As I watched someone I didn’t even know, huddle next to my car by the light of a friend’s headlights at 11PM at night, I heard a voice say to me, “THIS is Agape. THIS is your community.” 

Upon completing the class work, I also recognized how tied together we all are.  I post something and it touches someone hundreds or even thousands of miles away.  One bright comment or smiley face has that power! It’s true!  I, too, have been moved to tears by a note or comment written to me from across the virtual plane and something shifts, something I thought before changes. Instantly.  We affect each other, support each other with encouraging words, and we help each other through some trying stuff.  I really thought I had gotten the lesson of the Supportive Universe but my big Final was still ahead….

2AM Sunday Morning I awoke to intense stomach and chest pains.  Initially I thought it was the ice cream that I had the night before, that I rarely treat myself to anymore, then later, a heart attack.  After a couple of hours of vomiting and curling in the fetal position, I found my friend and Reiki healer, Jacqui, online in South Dakota.  I emailed her asking for some relief.  By the time she followed up after sending energy, to tell me she had a stabbing pain in her gall bladder area and thought that might be my problem, I was checking myself into the local ER.  8 hours later I was released w/a diagnosis of gall stones and given prescriptions for pain and nausea. 

If you follow the teachings of Louise Hay, which I do, she has this to say about the mind-body connection and gallstones and what they represent: Bitterness, Hard thoughts, condemnation, pride.

Sounds about right, considering the inner work I’ve been doing. Again, I blessed the idea that my body was “confirming” the work I was doing and quickly decided I could holistically eliminate these little buggers once the pain passed. Easy-peasy!

After 3 days of continuous pain, difficulty breathing and high fever, I was convinced by several veterans of gall stones to return to the hospital.  None of their “stories” sounded like this.  After additional testing I was told surgery needed to be done right away.  With my sweet friend and classmate, Mary, by my side, we came up w/the list of questions to ask the surgeon - something I was too doped up on pain meds to really consider on my own.  She handled everything with the doctor with ease and grace, prayed with me and even pulled out Agape’s Inner Visions daily devotional to read to me which, no surprise was PERFECT for the occasion! All about releasing – even if it’s not in the way we’d prefer, in order to be open to something greater.

I have to say that, during the entire time I was going through this “adventure”, I was never afraid. Concerned once or twice, but never afraid.  Now, I live alone and I have had some health scares before when I’ve been in a relationship, or knew I could call a neighbor.  Still, during those past times, I was afraid: What if no one missed me? What If I pass out and can’t contact anyone and I’m found lying on the floor with my cats by my side? – You know the story.

Well, this time, I can honestly say, there was a palpable feeling of safety and love all around me like a warm blanket constantly.  My spiritual community was praying for me as soon as word got out Sunday morning and believe me – I could feel it! Not once did I think I would be left to fend for myself. 

I drifted off under anesthesia repeating “I am/God is” and woke on the other side to discover I was now a milestone in my surgeon’s career: Largest, most infected gallbladder he’s seen in 40 years!  The next day I quoted Rev. Michael Beckwith to my surgeon, “Don’t let your floor be your ceiling.”  I figured I had given him the opportunity after so many “routine” surgeries, to expand his gift to humanity by stretching the limits of laparoscopic surgery, which he had done beautifully!  I don’t think he fully understood the quote but it was just one way I could honor the God I saw in him.

As I began my journey back, I had a strange sense of accomplishment.  That I had, in one fell swoop, rid myself of all the bitterness and resentment that was still lingering from a lifetime of self-judgment, of seeming failure, and of the pride I held, believing I could make everything better without anyone’s help.

I really thought I had got the message that “I live in a friendly & supportive Universe”.  Guess the Universe REALLY wanted to make sure I was clear on this! It did, but there was one last little bit of work to be done….

Fear 101

This morning I vowed to start a blog. Here it is. I've been hearing a still, small voice telling me "Write it Down" for the past 2 years and have poo-poo'd the idea - until last night.

I was sharing some recent exciting events with a dear, lifelong friend who seemed to be blown away by all the creative ideas and insights flowing through me. He simply said, "I want you to write it down." I guess Spirit decided that, if I wouldn't listen to a still small voice, it would instead use the louder voice of a 30-year radio veteran! *The irony of a "radio voice" transmitting over the airway of my soul is not lost on me!

This morning I decided to contemplate and examine the reasons, er, EXCUSES why I would ignore this direct invitation to write.

1. I am not a writer
2. I sit at the computer all day long at work; I don't want to spend even MORE time flattening my once firm, high buttocks!
3. I don't want to use my laptop because I don't like the mouse pad and I don't type as well on it.

I'm sure there were more but 3 were all I needed to start exploring where the excuses originated. That answer came quickly: FEAR.

If I bare my soul and my journey these past 2 years, through menopause, then the dissolution of my business partnership, subsequent "deer-in-headlights" "why am I here" phase and on into a Spiritual Awakening, what would people say? Better yet? Who would care to read about it?

I decided to put it aside for the time-being, happy that I had found the root of my excuses and fully planning to do the inner work to release and let go – later. A procrastinator to the end, I went on to read my morning devotionals, meditate and then get on with the day.

I opened Science of Mind /Guide for Spiritual Living to today's date. The title? "NO FEAR". I couldn't tell you what the body of the reading was but the meditational thought comes from A Course in Miracles: "The opposite of love is FEAR, but what is all-encompassing can have no opposite." Simply, Love and fear cannot co-exist. Since I know I am made from Spirit/God/Divine Intelligence – whatever name you want to name it - and that force is pure LOVE, then this fear thing cannot truly exist. But that's a subject for another blog….

Now, I am a huge fan of the God Winks so this was just another confirmation that I was on track. But Spirit wasn't finished with Its confirmation for me yet! I opened my email and there, from David Neale Walsch was my "God wants you to know" thought for today entitled "It is never safe to look into the future with eyes of fear".

My spiritual mentor, Michael Beckwith, likes to say, "If you're not standing on the edge, you're taking up too much room!" So, with that, I walk to the edge and I take my leap into the blogosphere, having been gently coaxed by Spirit, invited more loudly by someone who has always had my highest and best interest in mind, and finally confirmed in the WRITINGS of strangers. Message received!

In the coming weeks I am going to go back to the beginning, sharing some life-changing events and insights and the people who have helped guide me, inspire me and support me along the journey. It's by no means over. It is just beginning! My wish is that something in what I write resonates with my readers and reminds us all that we are not alone.

PB&J