Thoughts on Release

 

 

Something happened to me this week which has released a lot of pent-up stress within my body. I find myself happier, lighter, clearer-minded and generally, over all, more blissful.

Now, before y’all go jumpin’ in the gutter, it’s not THAT. It is something quite different. Something most would consider horrendous, shameful, and would qualify as an out-and-out failure. I assure you, I do not feel like a failure. For the first time in 3-1/2 years, I feel FREE!

What was this magical happening in my life that affords me the aforementioned bliss?

 

 

My car was repossessed.

My car, which I loved dearly; my car that I, for 3-1/2 years of the 4 that I “owned” it, struggled monthly to cover payments and upkeep; my car that I mentally released every time I was more than one month late – I didn’t own it; it owned ME.

Before you go judging, or feeling sorry for me, let me give you some back story. Perhaps then you too will see this as a blessing, not a curse.

4 years ago I purchased this beautiful, fast, brand-spanking new car, by far the nicest car I’d ever owned. At the time I was in business with a partner and our car expenses were covered by the business. Six months later, we (he) decided to split. Had I known this was going to happen, I most surely would not have made this purchase.  The expense of this car rivaled my rent and, because I worked from home, it sat much of the time in the garage. WAYYYY out of balance with its purpose in my life! Hind sight is awesome, right?

From then on I struggled.  The payment was high and the MPG not so great.  I also had begun to rebuild a business that I wasn’t completely certain I still wanted. But, it paid the bills. It was “good enough” for the time being.

I knew how to work the system with Nissan Motor Acceptance. Don’t answer the calls from the 800 number the first month because that was just a call center in India and they just wanted to bug me, reading from the script. No, wait until the call came from the 214 area code in Texas, and even then, wait until a message is left.  THAT call would be from the person who could really take the info, agree to the payment terms I was able to make, and more importantly, who could stop the repo man from showing up at an inopportune moment. This important call would come somewhere between the 2-2-1/2 month mark. 

Each time I eventually made that call, I was met with kindness and graciousness as we went through the list of “confirming-my-identity” questions.  One, of course, confirmed my address. I have nothing but positive things to say about the staff with whom I dealt over the years.  They were impeccable with their graciousness, understanding and respect.

And, I would be remiss if I did not mention the NUMEROUS friends – and strangers – who have helped me keep this car along the way. Some have drifted out of my life but I will always know that they helped me in ways that move far beyond keeping the car.  I doubt most will ever realize the measure of those ways, but in my heart, there is a deep and profound love always for each and every one of them.

It is also important to note that, just as I was purchasing this car, I began to take my spiritual life seriously.  Folks in my circles today refer to this as an Awakening.  My life began changing in profound ways – from the inside out.  Most around me at that time could not see the changes taking place; they could only seem to feel a distancing happening – as if we had less and less in common.  For me, I was experiencing a world I’d never known before. I liked it. I liked it A LOT!

This new world was not easy and much of the time, it was not pretty. One of my teachers likes to remind that “transformation is messy” and by GOD! I am a testament to that! Still, I do believe that what is left behind from all the mess is a beauty and grace like non other. If I must trek through the mud of my old life to get there, then trek I shall!

The first time I almost lost my car to the big, black tow truck, I was in a prosperity class (of all things!) One of my classmates, who did not know the level of my anxiety at being unable to pay my rent AND 3 months’ car payments at the time, shared his story with me. He said, and I am paraphrasing here, “Everything that is not in alignment with who I am now – HAD TO GO!  The possessions, the friends, the lifestyle – if it wasn’t in vibrational harmony, it will fall away.”

At that moment, I REFUSED to believe that God’s “plan” for my life included me and my 2 cats panhandling on a freeway offramp!

Gratefully, the waters soon parted and an angel showed up with a gift that helped me keep my car.  I offered the car in service to God repeatedly, praying, “If keeping this car is part of the plan, let me use it in service in whatever ways possible.”

Within hours I came across a Facebook friend’s post, asking for a ride to our Spiritual Center.  She lived out in the boonies and had a fairly large circle of “in-person” friends on Facebook.  As I read the post I said, “Someone else will help her.”  That still, small voice inside had a different take on things. It said, quietly,

“Go get her.”

I waited. She posted her plea again.

“Surely someone else will help her.”

Again, the still, small voice replied,

“Go Get Her.”

The third time she posted her request:

“WHY isn’t one of her friends responding to her plea?”

“GO GET HER!!!”

With that, I sent her a message and the rest became history. She was the first answer to my prayer, and I, hers.  We became sweet friends and I am blessed to have learned so much about myself and love through that friendship.  Gifts received!

Similar opportunities to be blessed and in service continued, right alongside the struggles to pay for the car.  At another critical moment, I moved on another direction – straight from the still, small voice’s mouth. It told me to ask my Facebook friends for help – by asking each one to donate $5.00 to me.  I was flooded with paypal deposits and checks in the mail which more than covered keeping the car and paying the rent….AGAIN.

That experience also birthed a philanthropic venture for me, Microgivingworks.  Between the outpouring of support and the giving back of this venture, I received more gifts than there is paper on which to list them.

The last of the many opportunities for service came with my new roommate.  She was temporarily car-less and I gladly offered her mine to use.  Working from home and now living across the street from my Spiritual Center, I had random, little need for the car and that was easily worked around her schedule.

This worked great for both of us but eventually she wanted her own set of wheels so I took her to my car dealer and within hours, she no longer needed my car.

At the same time, my business dried up and I decided to trust that inner voice again when it led me to close the business – without a parachute or a plan.  It said,

“Wait. I have something better in mind for you.”

Man! Can I tell you how hard it was to take THAT advice?! That brought me to an entirely new level of faith that I am still leaning into and understanding.

With my car no longer needed in service to either myself or my roommate, I once again found myself in the “3-month” zone.  I made the call, gave them my new address, arranged the payments and then I did – or didn’t do – something I am still wrapping my head around.

I arranged to make one month’s payment  immediately – had the cash in hand – via Western Union. The balance would be made upon receipt of my final check from my final client in a week or so.  (That would bring me current – for now – but would also leave me with little left for the rest of my expenses such as rent and food.)  I went to the Western Union location listed that was closest to home and it was no longer there. Then, I went to one closest to a part time job I had.  At this one, the cashier was on a break and the store clerk that tried to help me didn’t speak English. I left without making the payment saying, “This payment is far too important to screw up. I’ll go somewhere else.”  AH! Irony!!!

But I never DID go to another place. Instead, I put the cash back in my nightstand drawer where it sits today.  I thought about it, saying, “I should probably call them or try and find another Western Union location”, but I did nothing.

Monday morning I was awakened by the sound of a car alarm going off. I knew it was mine. Soon after, I heard the chugging of a motor pulling out of our parking garage below my bedroom window.  There, attached to a big, black tow truck was my car. My heart raced and my body shook as I went to my roommate’s room to tell her what had happened.

And then, for what felt like the first time in ages, I took a deep, long breath. The mornings of waking with a jolt of anxiety, of running to the window to look for a tow truck, of not finding my car where I had left it, only to realize I had parked it in another row at the grocery store, those moments are gone.

I had, rather painfully, orchestrated the whole thing; all 3-1/2 years of it.  There were ways – which had worked in the past – which I could have put into action in order to keep my car. But, that friend’s voice kept repeating in my head. “Everything that is not in alignment with who I am now – HAD TO GO.”  It was finally the time: now.  It was gone, and I felt a tsunami of relief wash over me.

In a flash I remembered what I have known for a long time; that car is not in alignment with who I am.  And, in laymen’s terms, it was completely out of whack with my income and balance sheet!  That car cost as much a month as my rent! Completely unsustainable, no matter HOW much goodness and financial assistance I received.

It was also the last remnant of a life I am leaving behind.  Each time I thought of how to pay for it, there was a little piece of me that said, “It’s too much car for me” or “I never would have bought this had I known the business was going to split.” That last one led me to thoughts about my ex business partner and my un-forgiveness around him and that experience that still surfaced from time to time.  Granted, I could have done some prayer or energy work around this in order to release those feelings however, for me, that would be like treating the symptom, not the disease. I was exhausted, repeating that pattern over and over. It was time to let it go.

While I do not believe that one random, negative thought can change the course of my life, I do believe that continued energy placed in the direction of one thought or idea WILL eventually manifest.  I have just demonstrated this.

Thoughts, people, Become things!

So, where does all this leave me now?  I honestly have no idea! I do, however, know some things:

• I know that my bicycle and I are going to get to know one another better and that some of the benefits of that renewed relationship are going to be seen in my dress size. 
• I know that my financial burden is lightened in the very week that I begin my further education into becoming a licensed, spiritual practitioner. This is the most important thing for me right now and the lowering of my overhead by HALF is making a huge difference already in my ability to be fully present for my studies.
•  I know that now I can take my cat to the vet for needed treatment; treatment that would have been delayed had I chose to make that car payment.
• I know about ways to tool around the city, when needed, thanks to a little company called “Relay Rides” (as I said, I’ve been here before and as such, I’ve explored other options!)

And, most importantly, I know that I know that I know that ALL is WELL. I read something this morning about faith. “The faith OF God is very different from a faith IN God.   The faith of God IS God, and somewhere along the line of our spiritual evolution, this transition will gradually take place, where we shall cease having faith IN and shall have faith OF. Always in such degree as this happens, a demonstration takes place.”

I know there is a success story being written here.  I don’t know what it looks like but I am willing to be open to it in profound new ways. I look forward to using my experiences to teach others; teach them to find what’s important to them - and what’s not; what faith is and what real spiritual growth is all about.

Why share this with you? Because I KNOW there are those out there struggling to make it. Like me, there are some who hold so tightly in one hand what they are SURE they need, they are unable to open that fist – and those arms – to receive a better idea than they could ever hope for, dream, or imagine.

I share this with you because I know there are those who feel like the world judges them by their possessions and worldly “success”, and, for the most part, it does. By the world’s standards, I am a complete and utter failure.  By GOD’s standards, I am the child in whom God is well pleased. Not because of what I HAVE, but what I can GIVE.  Today, I can give you my story, in the hopes that somewhere within it you may find something that resonates with you; that you can know that your bliss and your happiness do not lie in things. These qualities are God-given and cannot be taken away by the world or anyone in it. 

I leave you with this profound comment found today on Facebook:

There are times when we do not recognize that it is time for us to move forward. When life is ready for us to move and we resist, life will move us by any means necessary. What may feel like a disaster is actually a graduation. Remain open to being guided, supported and protected by the universe.

Journey on til next time-

Beth

 

 

 

 

 

If I could see me now!

My how time flies! 2 years flashed by in the blink of an eye!

I recently celebrated my 2 year anniversary of the first time I attended services at the Agape International Spiritual Center. Coerced by my longtime friend and soul sister, Lily; it was her last Sunday of a month-long visit to California from Brazil and “Rev Michael” was speaking. Years ago (10 or more) she had begged and begged me to attend services at this mystical spiritual place. Back then, I had absolutely no interest in “church”. “It’s not like any church you’ve ever attended” she assured me. Still, Saturday was party night for me back then and I absolutely was NOT getting up early on a Sunday morning to drive across town to go to church or anything remotely similar! This time…I went.

I was raised in a traditional religion and never felt quite comfortable in that environment. I didn’t have the words to express why it didn’t resonate with me, but I knew the most of the time, I wasn’t left with a good feeling walking out of the sanctuary. I was always afraid that my “being saved” didn’t quite “take” and that at any moment I would be driven to hell in that proverbial handbasket. And, I didn’t understand why one religion’s beliefs were the “only” way and all others were wrong or misguided. Agape turned out to be exactly how Lily described it with the added bonus that, from the moment I walked into the sanctuary until walking out and beyond, I felt GOOD! No, not Good, GREAT! LOVED!

It was like a wave of love rose up to meet me when I crossed the threshold; a wave that buoyed me through the congregational hymns, the welcoming of first time visitors by the congregation, the musical inspiration, which was a Sufi minister with an angelic voice who chanted in a language that, while I did not understand the words, the feeling tone of the music seemed to lift me even higher into love. (Agape embraces all religions and beliefs. That, alone made me take notice that this place was different.)

When this “Reverend Michael” spoke, he did so with the authority of one who knew some Truth about me that I did not yet remember about myself; one who has sat with the ineffable, has touched the garment of the Christ, and who was so completely down to earth, accessible and funny – all while delivering a message of love for everyone and the planet. I was moved beyond any words this little chatter box could seem to find. So, I did what was easiest for me: I cried. And I cried. And when I was done, I cried a little more for good measure. Never had I felt this kind of all-consuming love. Something in my soul woke up. Those tears washed away years of feeling separated from God. I knew that I was HOME.

Most people who seek out Agape or happen upon it for one reason or another have a similar story: A feeling of finally being home. There is nothing like it. To feel the loving glances and blessings of the culturally and ethnically diverse congregation saying in unison “Welcome to Agape” and to see the sincerity in their eyes and feel the hugs at the end of the service, one may think this is just a touchy-feely new age-y kind of kind of band of religious rebels or misfits. I promise you, it is SO much more!

Rev Michael likes to say, “We don’t come to Agape to feel good. We come here to be free.” Well, freedom sometimes has some high costs.

I dove into this new world with bright eyes and open heart, attending services every Sunday and telling everyone I knew how wonderful a place it was. Several friends were intrigued and came along a couple of times but most, for various reasons, didn’t resonate with the energy there and stopped going. That didn’t matter to me. I was pulled –out of my comfort zone which did not permit me to go into any gathering where I knew no one – into a place and a teaching of such unconditional love that one could not help but be comfortable.

While I went deeper into remembering who I am and reconnecting with Spirit, this new-found freedom started to exact its cost in my life. Friends I’d had for decades started distancing themselves from me, finding we had less in common and less to talk about, and saying I was too “this” or too “that” for them. Financial challenges started showing up with increasing regularity. Ultimately, health challenges followed closely behind, all rocking me to my core and inviting me to stand in the Spiritual Principles I’d learned, the most profound being “all needs met.”

Three little words: All Needs Met. I took that literally as I sat like a Buddha every morning on my sofa, meditating, assuming God would provide for all my needs, while I sat in stillness. Later, of course, I realized that it’s not enough to remain “STILL”. We must move one foot in front of the other, as the ground rises up to meet our feet. Each step in the right direction shows us more and more of who we really are and what we came to be. Support shows up. Abundance shows up. LOVE shows up.

I was taught that what no longer served me would fall away – and it definitely did (and still does!) - but at what felt like the lowest point in my outer life, my spiritual life was blossoming. I was the little flower blooming through the cracks in the hard pavement. Somehow I knew it would all turn out ok.

And it has! Yes, friends and I have parted company along the way and while there is still more than enough space in my heart for them, I also know that our vibrations no longer match and that those old conversations just don’t interest me any longer. For each one that fell away, 3, 4 – 5 more have filled in that space. And, miraculously, some friends from my past have resurfaced with their own awakened journeys! Our conversations go higher and deeper than I’d ever imagined possible. The “aha” moments come faster and faster and I feel my awareness expand on such incredible levels; I am not sure WHAT I was doing with my life up til that first day 2 years ago!

In these past couple of years I have seen myself transform into someone I could never imagine in my wildest dreams!

One of my first realizations of this was while sitting in a sound bath in Eagle Rock on the Summer Solstice. At the end of the sound bath, we were invited to participate in a “Sea of Oms”; 7 deep breaths, exhaling “Om” with each one at our own pace. 50 or so of us together, creating this “sea” of sound – the sound of God ("OM" is the name of God, the vibration of the Supreme in Hinduism.) With eyes closed, I felt compelled to open one eye and take a peek at who was swimming with me in this sea. In that moment, something forever shifted in me. If I could have only seen myself! I was now officially a tree-hugging, veg-head, om-ing being! Let them laugh! I am the Happy Buddha! I shall laugh right along with them!

I’ve heard it said (and I believe) that everyone will eventually wake up. For some, like me, it may happen gradually after a long period of seeming separation. For others, it may be a sudden awakening at the time of their transition out of this physical form. For others, perhaps it occurs somewhere in between. But EVERYONE will wake up.

In the early morning light of my spiritual awakening, as I look in the mirror of my transformation, I see someone familiar; someone that I love being in this very moment! I wipe the sleep from my eyes and I give thanks for the incredible journey ahead; and for all that brought me to this NOW moment.

 Namaste’

The Shape of Things to Come....

Over the next few weeks I sloooowwwwly began to examine how to make my next move in moving away from the business that I started and planned on having until long after retirement age. 

I spoke w/trusted friends and confidants, wrote endlessly in my journal about being frozen, unable to move forward, and continued to sport a growing spare tire made not of rubber but of fear, stress and uncertainty.  I also felt an incredible pull to spend time with my dear friend, Thalia, who lives in the desert.  It was more of a soul craving.  This woman entered my life years ago when her life had taken a 180 degree turn.  I was a sort of “way show-er” for her then but the tables turned very quickly and she became one of those deep soul connections and wise ones that I turn to when I need the guidance and clear headed-ness of a mother figure.  (She is not old enough in chronological years to actually BE my mom, but her wisdom is timeless and ageless!)

I spent the following weekend in her nest, under the wings of her friendship and love, sipping champagne, floating in her pool, and talking about everything except the current situation in my life.  It wasn’t avoidance.  It was healing and restorative.  My ego and life plan had taken a huge hit, and just needed some good old fashioned unconditional love for a couple of days.  I got it in abundance, along with some much-needed Vitamin D and laughter.

Funny how, when you put some distance between you and the problem, things start to clear.   (This is a lesson I have been invited to learn over and over and over again in the months since!) I used to say it was like being in the eye of the storm; you can’t see what is out there beyond because you are too close to it.  But in reality, isn’t the eye of the storm the most CALM? 

Anyway, the plan began to take shape.  On the advice of a trusted attorney friend of a friend, it was decided that the best thing to do was to sell my shares and simply walk away from the business, and start over again (whatever that meant!)  After all, my partner wanted to be on his own so badly, he had already offered to assume all of the debt AND agreed to me retaining all of my clients (about 90% of all the company’s client base), allowing for me to continue selling and designing without the overhead burden.  In hindsight, where’s the loss?

The loss was to my ego.  This was MY business too.  It hurt me deeply to think that someone could commit to building something with you and then, without notice, yank the proverbial rug out from under you without warning or the possibility of a changed mind. But, like my partner used to say, this was a marriage without the love.  In my mind, this “marriage” would have continued indefinitely.  In his mind and in his real life, he was about to enter a 2^nd marriage.  Guess there’s only room for one “wife” at a time, huh? 

As I looked back, I saw that his previous “real” marriage had ended as he and I began the business together, and not because there was ever anything between us.  Remember, it was a “marriage without the love”.  I wondered about his commitment abilities in the face of adversity (Nice projection, right?) In my hurt and pain, I was somehow able to keep the snide remarks about “warning” his new bride about his 5-year commitment expiration date to myself, though I know I journaled about it!

I do not claim to be faultless in his arriving at his decision to end our partnership.  In the first couple of years, we used to laugh at how easy it was to run this business, compared to the struggles our previous employers encountered; how clients and business just found their way to us, without much effort on our part.  I guess we both got comfortable.  When the economy took its nosedive, we didn’t react in the most timely of manners and it took its toll. And, I just didn’t react at ALL.  I just let it flounder and suffer until it was on life support.  Instead of pulling the plug on the entire thing, he simply chose to amputate the dead weight: me.

I used to think of us like those sons in the Bible – the good son and the prodigal son.  My partner always seemed to have his shit together while I, much older, was still struggling to pay my bills, spending everything I had as fast as it came in.  I had virtually no savings and no plan.  He had used what was given to him wisely.  Me? Not so much.  Mixed in with the hurt was a huge dose of guilt and shame.  He was calling me on this without ever pointing a finger or saying a word.  I see it now as a wakeup call for me, albeit at the expense of others in the process. It was a painful lesson but, as I later discovered, life had gone on ahead of me, making the way for me while I took my time to catch up…

In April my soon-to-be-ex-partner married his soul mate.  At the reception, his mom spoke of how proud she and her husband were of their son, coming to America and learning a trade and now, ultimately owning his own business.  I was now officially nothing:  in the room and yet invisible for the contribution I made to that business.  As the 7 stages of grief go, pain & guilt were moving on.  Anger had arrived.  I was pissed!

Fear 101

This morning I vowed to start a blog. Here it is. I've been hearing a still, small voice telling me "Write it Down" for the past 2 years and have poo-poo'd the idea - until last night.

I was sharing some recent exciting events with a dear, lifelong friend who seemed to be blown away by all the creative ideas and insights flowing through me. He simply said, "I want you to write it down." I guess Spirit decided that, if I wouldn't listen to a still small voice, it would instead use the louder voice of a 30-year radio veteran! *The irony of a "radio voice" transmitting over the airway of my soul is not lost on me!

This morning I decided to contemplate and examine the reasons, er, EXCUSES why I would ignore this direct invitation to write.

1. I am not a writer
2. I sit at the computer all day long at work; I don't want to spend even MORE time flattening my once firm, high buttocks!
3. I don't want to use my laptop because I don't like the mouse pad and I don't type as well on it.

I'm sure there were more but 3 were all I needed to start exploring where the excuses originated. That answer came quickly: FEAR.

If I bare my soul and my journey these past 2 years, through menopause, then the dissolution of my business partnership, subsequent "deer-in-headlights" "why am I here" phase and on into a Spiritual Awakening, what would people say? Better yet? Who would care to read about it?

I decided to put it aside for the time-being, happy that I had found the root of my excuses and fully planning to do the inner work to release and let go – later. A procrastinator to the end, I went on to read my morning devotionals, meditate and then get on with the day.

I opened Science of Mind /Guide for Spiritual Living to today's date. The title? "NO FEAR". I couldn't tell you what the body of the reading was but the meditational thought comes from A Course in Miracles: "The opposite of love is FEAR, but what is all-encompassing can have no opposite." Simply, Love and fear cannot co-exist. Since I know I am made from Spirit/God/Divine Intelligence – whatever name you want to name it - and that force is pure LOVE, then this fear thing cannot truly exist. But that's a subject for another blog….

Now, I am a huge fan of the God Winks so this was just another confirmation that I was on track. But Spirit wasn't finished with Its confirmation for me yet! I opened my email and there, from David Neale Walsch was my "God wants you to know" thought for today entitled "It is never safe to look into the future with eyes of fear".

My spiritual mentor, Michael Beckwith, likes to say, "If you're not standing on the edge, you're taking up too much room!" So, with that, I walk to the edge and I take my leap into the blogosphere, having been gently coaxed by Spirit, invited more loudly by someone who has always had my highest and best interest in mind, and finally confirmed in the WRITINGS of strangers. Message received!

In the coming weeks I am going to go back to the beginning, sharing some life-changing events and insights and the people who have helped guide me, inspire me and support me along the journey. It's by no means over. It is just beginning! My wish is that something in what I write resonates with my readers and reminds us all that we are not alone.

PB&J